My son plays this game where he’s a bowling ball and the bowling pins are everything we own.
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When I have sex with someone I high Five them.
*slaps hands together.
dry skin? flaky scalp?
discoloration? scaling?
tongue bifurcating all by itself?
hissing? legs fusing together?
recently evicted a gypsy?
“Can I get a umm…”
-every person ever at the drive thru
We have a cricket in our garage and every once a while, to keep him entertained, I go out and tell him corny dad jokes.
Then I wait.
My mom just told me she’s been watching that “Game of Thongs” show.
Gawd I hope she’s just saying it wrong.
They say throwing a party is about planning, but it’s really about setting aside your pride and asking your friends and family to bring whatever dumb items you forgot.
Meme Monday.
“My advice? Don’t have children. They’re horrible soul-sucking fun-killing disappointing money pits with ZERO upside. Got it?”
“OK, Daddy.”
inventor of the leaf blower: what if we just yelled at leaves until they moved?
If you’re afraid of getting fat, drink a little before eating. The alcohol should reduce the fear.
I consider sexual harrassmemt a compliment. I mean they only do it if your hot right?
EARTH: Happy Earth Day to me!
SUN: whatever
EARTH: Why does everything have to revolve around you?
SUN: Physics
My face is permanently frozen into this scowl. You were right, Grandma.
Since he knows me best, I’m adding my bartender as a LinkedIn reference.
goddammit a coworker followed me on twitter.
i’m not talking about you barbara you’re super cool.
7: Mom, sometimes when you’re talking to me, I have no idea what you’re talking about.
M: Join the club.
Women’s magazines:
Page 5: accept yourself for who you are
Page 8: how to lose 10lbs in 1 week
Page 12: best cake recipe
Just removed my bra, whipped it around my head, and tried to toss it away, but a hook got caught in my hair. Available for bachelor parties.
[watching Friends]
NIECE: I love this show
ME: aw I loved it when I was ten too *ruffles her hair* you are gonna have such unrealistic expectations for how close your adult friendships will be
*pulls up to window*
Me: *on phone* Ok, so you want a chocolate shake also? Ok, I’ll get two then. *phone rings while its at my ear*
My lotion bottle says to use it on areas of irritation, so I slathered it all over my coworker, Deborah.
*in a job interview*
No no it’s not a teardrop tattoo it’s supposed to be sweat. It shows I’m a hard worker
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*aaaaaaand scene
saw this in a dream
I accidentally bought organic milk instead of regular and now my family is so broke we are forced to live in a shack and make clothes out of recycled hair.
If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.
Twitter’s fun because everyone’s really cynical and snide about everything except *checks hand* … wrestling? that can’t be right
I applied to be a politician but the committee saw me return my cart at the grocery store and said no way
If you’re willing to wait long enough, a closer parking spot near the gym will open up and you can let someone else have it while you go get donuts.
Me every day: You kids drive me insane. I need a break.
Me before a kid-free trip: I CAN’T LEAVE MY LITTLE SUGAR PLUMS