If the zombie apocalypse hits and you all need a twist tie, my mom has everyone covered.
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I made a bunch of “missing” flyers, hoping we can find all the telephone poles that disappeared, but now I have a new problem.
Hey ladies, if you want a free pelvic exam, I suggest you try the old “gyne and dash.”
Can some of you who who post pictures of your muscles come over Saturday and help me move?
My teen is in an outdoor class where they take the kids fishing and the catch of the day goes home with the lucky student. You can only imagine how proud I was to see my son victoriously running to the car at pickup holding up a large rubber boot
It’s the same old story. Boy meets girl. Girl doesn’t exist.
dear diary
today i got to first base
it was a rebel base
i destroyed it
Leaving a watermelon on someone’s doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.
My psychiatrist is mad at me, told him I could hear people but couldn’t see them…he said when does this happen…I said over the phone
Halloween. A kid comes to the door with a sign”I love ceilings”
What are you?
A Ceiling Fan.
Gave him all the candy.
Roses are red,
Daisies are free.I’ll never forget you,
It burns when I pee.
10: “What are we doing today?
Me: “We’re gonna make tacos.”
10: “Then what are we going to do?”
Me: “…I’ll be eating tacos.”
Dad: My head hurts, it feels like wrongdad.
Son: What’s wrongdad?
Dad: I told you, my head hurts.
Son: This is why mom left.
Parent drinking game: Anytime a kid drops something and doesn’t pick it up you dri…
aaaaand I’m drunk.
I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.
😬
Life Hack: Let your toddler throw Cheez-Its down your heat vents so your house can smell like the home of your dreams
Just once I’d like to open a can of biscuits without having to beat it like it stole my last cookie
What does stormtrooper armor protect against, exactly? Knives?
Me: How much more oatmeal can you eat before you become a literary classic?
Donkey: What?
Me: *giggling* Donkey Oaty
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
If my boss suddenly revealed that he’d been Sacha Baron Cohen this whole time everything about my job would make a lot more sense
employee: over 100 ppl were killed by the dinosaurs again
CEO: my God
[10yrs later]
CEO: what if we made a dinosaur theme park again lmao
Dear Cereal Makers,
Exactly how tall do you think kitchen cabinets shelves are?
Cop: ma’am i pulled you over because you were tailgating me
Me: okay first of all, if you didn’t want me tailgating you maybe you shouldn’t have a dog in the car
I’m sorry…what?
When my friends come over they know to ask “may I sit here” and then we look at my dog to see if it’s OK
Ovenable?
[meeting my gf’s parents]
gf: just please be serious
me: ok
[later]
gf’s dad: sorry for the wait, dinner’s ready now
me: I DID MY WAITING
gf: oh no
me: TWELVE YEARS OF IT
gf: please
me: IN AZKABAN
My blood type is coffee.
If you want to flirt with babes, just use cereal slogans like “You look magically delicious” or “I wanna put 2 scoops of raisins in dat ass”