GUY: Your logic is flawed. According to experts-
ME: Excuse me, but I practiced this argument in my head & you’re saying the wrong things
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When will all of this hoarding stop? I nearly broke down today when I couldn’t find any beluga caviar, Wagyu beef, or gold shavings for my fresh ice cream.
I finally got my 11yo interested in a sport, and all it took was hiring a pretty 16yo girl to coach him.
Welcome to IKEA. I see you need a new Fyrkantig for your Dagstorp.
Me:How do you pronounce that?
*sound of corduroy pants rubbing together
calling in to work dehydrated
I’ve been experimenting with breeding racing deer.
People have accused me of just trying to make a fast buck.
[brings Kevin Bacon to a knife fight]
[Kevin Bacon gets foot stuck in a drain]
[Kevin Bacon’s about to drown]
[Everybody cuts foot loose]
They’re going to start pairing TV shows w/medications. “If you’re taking this, this and this… watch this!”
Put granola in your yogurt, because who doesn’t like eating tiny rocks on purpose?
*just after death, I head toward a bright light*
ME: Jfc, do you have a dark mode?
JESUS: *sends me straight to hell*
ME: NoOoOoTtt liiiiiiiiiiiiKe
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goldilocks was so stupid for not wanting to sleep in a bed too big for her. oh nooo i’m tooo comfy!! shut up
The worst thing about coming home from a trip isn’t unpacking, it’s the looming threat of nuclear war
I promised my trainer that I’d set a gym schedule I would commit to regularly. So, now every time there’s a lunar eclipse I work out.
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
Know why I pulled you over?
“No sir”
1987, 7-11 on Main, you paid for Coke but filled your cup with Slurpee. We gotcha. We finally gotcha
Satan: I’m gonna torture you for eternity
Me: I’m gonna call your dad and tell him how high you have the heat turned up in here
Satan: wait no
Important Valentine’s Day PSA:
Sure, we all think Cupid is cute, but you should never teach babies archery. If you think crying is annoying, just imagine a tantrum with flying arrows.
Be safe. If they’re under three, melee weapons only!
We grew up so poor we could only play duck duck.
Golf would be better with landmines.
An old natural remedy to soothe a broken heart is rubbing a jellyfish on it.
8: Dad you’re not spending time with me just cuz you’re getting material for Twitter, right?
Twitter Dad: No I love you, Pete.
Mike:
I’ve watched Dancing With The Stars with my wife all season and she just asked who I think should win. Quick! Someone tell me who’s on it!
Things that are loud:
Jet engines
Dynamite
Opening a bag of Sun Chips at a funeral
Rock concerts
Time to stuff a zucchini. I won’t say where.
Tried eucalyptus oil in my bath and I don’t know about stress relief, but I think all the koalas will find me irresistible.
I changed my mind..🐕🐾🍪😅
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
(True)
Me, dying from machete attack: Someone—
My kids: What?
Me: Call the geek squad—
K: No!
Me: I’ve been hacked!
K: *run off to thank my killer*
If someone asks for advice, just tell em to follow their heart. No idea what that shit means but at least they’re not talking to you anymore
I saw a guy and a girl doing high fives in a chemistry lab
and I thought, “wow they be bonding.”