Put those painful memories somewhere the mind can’t see them.
Alcohol: *ears perk up*
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Funny cuz it’s true! #WritingCommunity #Reading
People are always like “you’re so crazy” and I’m all like “please take off the restraints, I promise I won’t do it again”.
I hate it when I finally finish doing the laundry then look up to see my family walking around wearing clothes
I only carry an old Spencer’s gift card in my wallet because I think it would be funny to get mugged and say “I hope you like lava lamps”
Me: I hope I get a good night’s sleep.
My dog at 1 AM: Hey I just did a huge diarrhea on the carpet.
Friend: Can I borrow a hair band?
Me: *retrieving Bon Jovi from the basement* Please have them home by 9.
me: just bear with me
bouncer: yeah no he can’t come in
Quick reminder that the Twilight saga is about the classic teen angst of choosing between bestiality and necrophilia
5: Whose car is this?
Grandfather: Well, let’s figure it out. I just got here and the car just got here. Whose car do you think it is?
5: Mine.
Me: *buys a blue chair online*
Internet: check out these 16 similar blue chairs since you obv collect blue chairs
CUTE CAT‼︎
I miss that time in my life when people asked easy questions, like “What’s your favorite color?” or “Where is your belly button?”.
[to psychic gf] the spirits you talk to make fun of me don’t they
“no”
[she laughs for no reason]
AHHHH *punching the air* FIGHT ME SPIRITS
in the office ordering extra garlic sauce with my lunch schwarma much like a skunk deterring predators
chickens lay eggs every day right? so is that why we eat eggs? so chickens don’t take over the world?
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
Doctor: I have good news and bad news
Me: What’s the good news?
Doctor: The good news is you’re alive. The bad news is you’re going to have to diet and exercise to stay that way
Hate to brag, but a cute fireman gave me his number today. It’s only 3 digits & he said it’s only for emergencies, but I know what he meant
*Playing pirates with my kids
“I bet if we photo copy the CD cover and use it, we can sell these for more”
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
COP: Where were you the night of murder?
Man: Is there a doctor in the house?
Dr: I have a PHD in literature
Man: This man is having a heart attack!
Dr: Thou know’st ’tis common; all that lives must die…
To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, “Guess how many fingers.”
[breakfast]
ME: please pass the egg snow and the toast ketchup
WIFE: *reluctantly hands me the salt and jelly* you are really something else dude
me: wow Pokemon names are getting more and more ridiculous, don’t you think so?
taco bell employee: *nods* taco bell employee
My wife is constantly accusing me of being racist.I dont care what she says,Im black,shes black,it should concern me that our baby is white
*Arrives in Hell*
Devil: Here, help these 5th graders with common core math
[in hell]
ME: *sitting down in auditorium* this doesn’t seem so bad
SATAN: *on stage* hi everyone, before I begin my interactive performance—
ME: ugh
SATAN: —I’d like everyone to move down to the first three rows
ME: UGH
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
[invention of spaghetti]
Inventor: i made them very long
Wife: they still fit in a pot though right?
Inventor: lol no why