The shopkeeper in my local store is such a nice guy and he often offers candy for my kids. I’ve resisted so far but if he throws in a quart of vodka too he has himself a deal.
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my tamagotchi never lived more than 24 hours at a time sure i’ll hold your baby.
I stupidly asked my kids to explain why there are rocks in the washing machine, as if I’m new to this whole parenting thing
Watson: “Holmes, why are you wrapped in a thin aluminium sheet?”
Holmes: “DAMMIT, FOILED AGAIN!”
Today I beat my personal record of consecutive days alive.
“Dave, come check this out! The squirrel in that tree hasn’t moved in like three hours. It’s freakin’ weird.”
I hope that when I die I’ll say something cool like, “I’m splitsville, baby! Gone-zo!” instead of something stupid like “AAURGH”
I just slipped on a banana peel.
It didn’t fit.
FOUR RULES FOR DATING MY TEENAGE DAUGHTER:
1) get her home by 11 p.m.
2) so we can chill
3) i have mario party
4) be my friend
Am I…am I about to fight these bagels?
ME: Help! Boa constrictor!
BOA: Actually, I’m a python.
ME: Help! Boa contradictor!
In the beginning God said, “let there be light,” and my dad said, “my electric bill is going to be through the roof; do you think I’m made of money?”
“And the Oscar for Best Actress goes to…..Beyoncé?”
*Kanye slowly sits down*
Rob thank god you picked up! Hey remember when you said if I needed a place to crash I cou- hold on *to copilot* STOP CRYING, ROB WILL HELP
The trend of high school girls dressing as Steve Harvey and doing that “SIT ON IT” clip is SENDING MEEE
Be warned that if you buy your 5 year old a watch, you are going to get minute by minute updates on what the current time is
I had a dream I went to Hell and Satan forced me to sing karaoke with him.
That’s right, the Devil made me duet.
My daughter just straight up out of the blue said “daddy if you ever get shot I hope it’s in the belly so your fat will save you” WTF
I love the idea of Frankenstein applying for a research grant and having to admit he’s skipping the testing on mice and going directly for human trials.
He was a skater boy, half shark/alligator boy
-Dr. Octavril Lavigne
Got so drunk last night that I was able to translate three Pearl Jam albums into English
Can’t believe no one told me that cows can’t walk down stairs. Now I’m stuck with all these attic cows.
As a kid I’d watch Price is Right and think ha that sucks he won furniture. Now I’m like, wow I can really use a new bedroom set.
[frantically putting on Victorian era clothes as I bleed out] must… fit in.. with… other ghosts
Million Dollar Idea ~ A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
If I stalked you any harder, you’d be a missing person.
Axl Rose: You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby
Tarzan: yeah but why are you here.
Relax, this is my emotional support knife.
I just said “haha omg I love your ugly sweater!” to my CW knowing full well it’s just one of her normal sweaters.