Mum: Oh I’ve always wanted to try one of these , *leans in* Alexa, what’s your name?
Me:
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If I could travel back in time to change anything I would go back 15 minutes and stop myself from agreeing to play with my toddler.
Pro Tip for the ladies. Ask him to show you where the “jack thingy” is at in the trunk and when he shows you..
That’s when you push him in.
I’m tired of 19 year olds thinking they’re special for being hot. You’re 19 You’re supposed to be hot. Call me when you’re 45 and hot.
[Wife sweeping up all the dog hair into one big pile and answers the phone]
30 seconds later…
Kid: Look mom fur angels
GARDEN STORE MANAGER:
why did you just give that customer a high fiveME: he bought some dirt
GARDEN STORE MANAGER: um ok
ME: and I told him congrats on soiling himself
Doctor: how do you stay active?
Me: I just jiggle the mouse every 5min
It might sound childish, but when my wife pisses me off, I dry my hands on the towels that “are just for decoration”
Told a woman who was shopping with a newborn that I had teenagers. I was waiting for her to say I looked too young to have teenagers.
She didn’t.
You can make approximately 225 circles in a roundabout before the cops show up
I need to be locked up… in an ice cream factory.
I spent a lot of my childhood worrying about wearing red clothes and being chased by cows
I just saw a skunk and a possum walking through my backyard and i of course assume they’re off on some kind of adventure
My kids have eaten 47 lbs of candy. They aren’t sleeping until December 12th. Send help.
I wish I was born in a year ending in zero so it’d be easier to remember how old I am. Thanks for following.
*overheard during my 6yo’s Zoom class*
Teacher: Today is the last day of September. What does that make tomorrow?
Boy: January 1?
Girl: Valentine’s Day?
Seems to me these kids are just as ready for 2020 to end as anyone else.
I was born a woman, which came as a tremendous shock to my parents as they’d been expecting a baby.
God: *creates a cat* how’re you feline little guy?
Cat:
God:
Cat:
God: *creates dogs*
Fact: If you blast hiphop at a shallot, it becomes a rapscallion.
The NFL has hired their first female referee.
She will throw flags for penalties the teams
committed 5 years ago.
My seven year old reported to me today that the tooth fairy wasn’t paying him a fair wage compared to his peers and claimed that all his friends earn a liveable wage from tooth loss
Show me someone who says “once you try black you never go back” and I’ll show you someone who’s never had an overripe banana.
Please. My avocado. It is so sad.
It’s bullshit that dogs get their own heaven but we humans have to go to the same heaven as moths and tractors
Not a lot of people know this but if you tell someone with chronic pain that they should “just try meditating” then they are legally allowed to poke you in the eye
Me: now kiddo, what do we say when we accidentally knock someone’s drink over?
5y/o: (eyes downcast) “goddamnit”
Kids, eat your vegetables.
*reluctantly, they eat*
[2 hrs later]
*I eavesdrop on their convo*
Daughter: Unionizing will help us bargain.
Kids are like mosquitoes…
…when they stop making a noise, start worrying
Sometimes I run across a room really fast so a spider sees me out of the corner of its eye and spends the evening worrying where I’ve gone.
ME: someone stole my credit card number
BANK: why would they spend $187 at a hot dog stand?
ME: [hangs head in shame] that wasn’t them
If it’s in a bowl and it’s before lunch time then technically it’s cereal.
-5 asking for chips for breakfast