I won the local hot dog eating contest and didn’t even know I was competing.
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My laptop has a Miley Virus. It’s stopped twerking.
Love is that feeling you get when you meet someone that makes you forget about all of your problems cuz they’re causing all new problems.
If you believe you can pass a drug test by drinking large amounts of water, you’re just diluting yourself.
I don’t usually sing Adele, but when I do, it’s usually on the toilet in the middle stall in the men’s washroom at work.
Day new couch arrives: No more food or drinks on the couch, I’m serious!
1 week later: *Kids are eating pancakes directly off the cushions*
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
People write Congrats cause they can’t spell Congrajulashins
My Sweet Lord implies the existence of My Salty Lord, My Sour Lord, my Bitter Lord and of course the more recently discovered My Umami Lord
I can tell when I’m not wanted. I’m not gonna leave or anything but I can tell.
What’s the downside of being rude to your executioner?
Imagine this: you’re home alone and you sneeze. Suddenly the phone rings and you answer, then someone whispers “Bless you” and hangs up
Establish dominance at your in-laws by continuing to eat that piece of fruit even though you didn’t know it was plastic.
“Thats an exercise in futility” OK great so Im exercising
If I was a judge, I’d keep a pile of walnuts with me on the table at all times. If I’m gonna use the gavel, I might as well eat some delicious walnuts.
Me: Do you ever get the feeling that people are laughing at you behind your back?
My husband: Not really
Me: You’re not very perceptive
[at daycare]
Me: I’m here to pick up my son
Daycare: what’s he look like?
Me: *points to my face*
D: oh. Ok
“My first wife didn’t have a gag reflex”
Wow that’s amazing
“Yeah she never laughed at any of my jokes”
Better than the last 5 star wars movies. 😂😂
Me: Man I love the eighties
Grandparents: We have names
Day two of homeschooling.
I am leaving my student to fend for herself, so I may hunt for essentials. Like more wine.
HER: Did you eat my Milk Duds?
ME: *silently chews for 7 minutes, finally swallows* first of all, i don’t appreciate your accusations
What do you mean I didn’t win I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else
[deserted island]
friend: this coconut bra is really uncomfortable
me: stop complaining *adjusts puffer fish bra*
who said “fortune favors the prepared” instead of “ready player won”?
The quickest way to double your money is to hold it in front of a mirror.
I’m just a girl reading the news in KYIV like “Kentucky four.”
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at rat in my pocket aiming a gun]: yes, i do
Raise your kids to question all assumptions so one day your 10 y/o daughter can correctly point out that, “nobody ever said anything about Humpty Dumpty being an egg.”
Sometimes people disagree with you and they’re like: “Read a book!” But like…any book? They can’t ALL prove your point.