[after death]
me: what is this place?
guy: purgatory. you hang out until we decide if you’re going to heaven or hell
me: while i wait can you tell me a purgastory lol
guy: hell it is
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Me: I love you so much
Calories: I love you more
Cop: You were speeding so I’m going to be giving you a ticket
Me: Ooh, could I win something
Cop: Sort of, 2 more of these & you get a bike
*walks past yoga studio*
*looks in window*
*eyes widen*Awesome. It’s like kindergarten.
*walks into class*
*unrolls mat*
*takes a nap*
I love it when people say “you’re going to miss these days,” like parenting toddlers isn’t an absolute hostage situation.
Me: Have you seen my bedroom trash bin?
Teen: The small one?
Me: Yes.
Teen: Made of wicker?
Me: Yes!
Teen: Dark?
Me: Yes!!
Teen: No.
therapist: so, what do you say when she says that
me: you sound like your mom
therapist: 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️
He died doing what he loved: typing his symptoms into WebMD instead of going to the doctor
i gotta remember that brevity saves energy and is worth the misunderstandings
Was at the park with the baby, and another parent pointed to a kid doing cartwheels and said, “Remember when we could do that at that age?”
Lady, I was icing my knees after recess when I was 7.
In space, no one can hear your spouse chew.
HER: *Crying* Then after the car accident my dog died, and—
ME: Hey, hey… *puts hand on her shoulder* This is a bad story. You’re telling a bad story.
Girls greet each other normally the way I’d act if I saw a friend who I thought was dead.
It hurts? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
It doesn’t hurt? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
– Doctors
WIFE: There are people from the zoo at the front door
ME: *sitting on the couch with my new pet monkey* Do they look upset?
Them: You look tired.
Me: *punches them in their face* Well, you look injured.
I’m fat, but not accidentally give birth in the Walmart bathroom because I didn’t know I was pregnant, fat.
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
My kids can’t play at your house because they might begin to think laundry doesn’t live on the couch.
Pirate Clark Kent: *takes off eye patch*
Pirate Lois Lane: OMG
me: [struggling to take off a sports bra]
other lady in the locker room: I CAN DO IT MYSELF
My daughter was giving me major attitude so I asked her if she’s seen Rapunzel and she said yes and I said keep it up and you’ll be locked in your room like that tower until your hair grows that long.
WIFE: I want a divorce.
ME: Is it because of my small wrists?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: [taking off bracelet] Then take your ring back.
A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”
Always a bridesmaid, never the Brideslord, summoning the nation’s brides to war with a mighty blast of the brideshorn.
It’s exciting to receive a Valentine’s Day card and not know who it’s from. A Father’s Day card, not so much.
“I MUST tell you,” said a lady with breathless excitement, stopping us suddenly as we walked down Bermondsey Street last night, “I MUST tell you that you are wearing the same clothes as that building.” and skipped off
Me: It’s late, and I’m so tired.
My brain: Let’s find a word that rhymes with tequila.
I had no idea being an adult would involve so many lotions.
I don’t understand why people want a sandwich after sex. I just want my money back.