Someone asked me what was my favorite moment of 2021, and without a doubt it was when I searched for my phone in the dark by using the flashlight on my phone.
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“That’s me in a nutshell.”
A peanut’s photo album.
Him: You can’t give the cat treats right after he tripped me on the stairs. He’ll think it’s a reward.
Me: It is.
My husband and I play this game where we buy potato chips the other one doesn’t like so we don’t have to share.
Don’t rub your happiness in people’s faces this Valentine’s Day. Let the couples enjoy themselves for once.
Yet another “No DMs” bio. All this civil rights progress but bigotry against Dungeon Masters is still tolerated.
*Wife busts me installing locks on man-cave door*
Wife : Great idea! That will keep the kids out!
Me : Uh… yeah. The kids.
*At the magic show*
Magician: Now I need a volunteer
Gary the Murderer: *raises a hand*
Magician: OH MY GOD WHOSE HAND IS THAT
Opening a package of cheese within 2 miles of my dog is the plot to A Quiet Place 2
I have enough money to last me for the rest of my life…
Unless, of course, I want to buy something.
If I saw 99 red balloons go by I’d probably just round it up to a hundred when I was telling people about it.
Ever since those 2 weeks in 2008 when no one noticed I was missing, I won’t go into a corn maze without a machete.
crochet youtube is brutal
“Ouch!”
“Ow!”
“Careful, that’s my bad knee!”
“Oh great, now my arm is numb!”
“I think I need to ice something”
“Maybe we should rest for a minute!”
– sex in your 40’s
Apparently, the sonogram machine is to see unborn babies in the womb
I thought it was for making you age 10 years. Instantly
6: I want to grow my hair longer.
Me: Oka—
6: So I can bite it.
Me:
My pet toddler is scratching at the door again.
Just bought a new pair of running shoes. Very excited to see how they look on the highest shelf in the closet.
I’m not rich in money, but I’m rich in friends and family.
You know, the bad kind of rich.
The traffic must be horrendous in a red light district
If Jehovah’s witnesses brought red wine and Pringles with them, I’d gladly let them in to spend an afternoon chatting about religion.
I’m watching Fatal Attraction to refresh my psycho skills
Pigeon 1: I really have to go to the toilet mate.
Pigeon 2: Wait a litle dude..i want same thing but we really have to find a really clean car…
Me: *screaming along to death-metal*
My child, who I forgot was in the car:
What I say: Sorry baby, they were out of bubblegum flavored medicine…Grape, will have to do.
What my child hears: I don’t love you, never have…Now drink your poison.
i feel like if the avengers were real we’d really really hate them
I have been calling a guy on our street John since he and his wife moved here about five years ago.
His name is Dave.
i hate when teachers put “?” on graded work, bro idk what’s going on either
*walks in at 3am*
Wife: OMG, what happened?
Me: I was attacked.[front door 5hrs later]
Neighbor: What happened to our inflatable Santa?
“Oh, hello! I didn’t see you there” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you.
Think you’re smart? Try explaining daylight savings time to a kid.