DATE: what’s with the tattoo?
ME: that’s Alcatraz
DATE: “prison tats” are not normally of the actual prison building
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I know my computer doesn’t have a virus because I’ve never had an 8-bit skull and crossbones pop up onscreen laughing.
Tik Tok is a national treasure.
I found a spider in my shoes. He looks ridiculous, they’re way too big for him.
*Addressing the crowd that just watched me take 23 moves to park my truck*
ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!
What happens if you fight a dinosaur?
You get Jurasskicked!
SNL labels their bathrooms comic relief
Him: Can you turn on the wifi?
Me: *does a seductive dance in front of the router*
Maybe your dog was descended from wolves; mine wants a mint on his pillow and concierge service.
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
I dated a woman once.
Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.
*Food arrives*
*Waits 3 days*
*Slowly takes bite of food*
*Waitress appears from under the table in camouflage*
HOW IS EVERYTHING??
I’d totally shake what my momma gave me but abandonment issues aren’t really a tangible physical manifestation…..
Relationship- Significant other
Writer- Significant Author
Round Table- Significant Arthur
Corporations- Significant Auditor
Zookeeper- Significant Otter
Obviously if someone’s in your trunk, the carpool lane is an option.
“I don’t think being an only child affected me at all.”
I say, as I straighten my tiara, whilst eating the last cookie.
My password is ELEPHANT. It may not be the strongest but I never forget.
According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.
Our middle child says we neglect him/her.
me: [trying to sound cool] I’m in a punk band
cute co-worker: that’s cool. What the band’s name?
me: [looking over desk for ideas] Inbox(29)
Dr: Have you been exercising?
Me: I’ll take blatant lies for $200, Alex
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Keep your goddamn mouth closed
Whenever you chew
My wife told me some guy at the bar was buying her drinks all night to get me jealous.
We’ll it worked. I wish he was buying me drinks.
[waiting for date to get ready]
“im almost done”
no rush I’ll just play with the cat
“I don’t have a cat”
[opening a cat carrier] oh I know
Boss: Good suggestions at the staff meeting today, Bill.
Me: I talk in my sleep?
Most people call me “bad at pickup lines”
But you?
You can call me tonight.
I gave peas a chance, but I won’t again. They know what they did.
Ominous sub-editing fail of the day
bank robber: EVERYBODY BE COOL
me: [exists]
bank robber: WHAT DID I JUST SAY
“Women are crazy!”
“Did one try to murder you unprovoked?”
“No I just disappeared from her life with no notice & she went all PSYCHO on me.”
I know we are supposed to be worried about AI but I’ve been watching my Roomba throw itself off the stairs every single time I’ve ever used it I think we’re OK for a minute