The family pet is getting old so we’re all pitching in and throwing the dog poop in the neighbors yard when she can’t make it over there.
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I saved a ton of money on cool sports cars, vacation getaways and NFL season tickets by having children.
‘Pizza toppings. Go.’
-Me, speed dating.
Advice for life:
1. Be kind.
2. Be brave.
3. Make sure your garage door is all the way up before backing out.
Watch James Cameron’s spectacular vision to take 3 hours to tell a storyline that could’ve been an e-mail
…again.
(Now in theaters)
If Jesus was a cat we’d have nine Easters.
Hello? I’d like to rent one bouncey house, please. How many will be using it? Just one. Her age? Uh. Four……..ty-seven.
One pretty important part of being a dad is walking faster than the rest of your family through an airport.
The dog I’m sitting got ahold of a plastic knife and was threatening to eat it, I had to offer her my whole breakfast in exchange for her dropping it, and then I realized I had just literally been held up at knifepoint by a dog over some scrambled eggs
DATE: I love heavy metal
ME: [trying to impress] My Dad was crushed by iridium
Uh oh. Mercury is in lemonade again.
My flight was delayed 3 hours so I was doing what any human does when they’re bored. Minding my own business swiping through tinder & the guy behind me goes “ouch hard no for that one?” And I turn around ONLY TO SEE THE MAN I JUST SWIPED NO ON BEHIND ME HAHAHA
These Brit awards outfits are getting stupid now.
Please let it be chicken..please let it be chicken
Me: what’s the deal with airplane food
Baby: I don’t know it just tastes better when you make that noise
My wife & I play this sexy game where she dresses up like a schoolgirl, then I dress up like a schoolgirl then we sit down & learn fractions
“I don’t see color.”
-dogs
WIFE: It’s great having kids, isn’t it?
ME: Oh yeah, it’s the best
W: How long until they go to bed?
ME: 4 hours, 17 minutes & 26 seconds
If I were an orthopedic surgeon, I would totally set up shop at the end of a Home Depot aisle
At Jurassic Park when they say to keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times, they mean it.
Not sure what’s more bizarre…me sitting on the porch at 2am having a candy cigarette…or that my neighbor just waved at me while watering his lawn.
just like to remind everyone that if you wear a stylish belt with your bathrobe it becomes a dress
Date – “I must admit, this is a really nice restaurant”
Me – 😎
…
Date – “why did you say sunglasses emoji?”
I decided to change things up for my neighbors. Instead of seeing me topless, they caught me bottomless.
Pandas are proof that if you have a cute enough outfit no one will call you fat.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
Pretty arrogant of Red Delicious Apples to put “delicious” in their name. Like calm down. You’re still just an apple. You ain’t no prize.
Where do you weigh a pie?
Somewhere over the rainbow … weigh a pie…
🎶 I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly
I only like to read about non violent historical events. I’m a pastifist.
Tried to talk my kid through using the microwave while I was in a meeting, so I get it nasa ground control