WIFE:The pinata is in the tree out back
ME:Huh? I sent the kids to the one in front
W:What one in front?
*angry bees are just everywhere*
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My super power is getting offended when someone tells me to write something down so I don’t forget it, then forgetting it 5 seconds later.
Me: goodnight moon
Warren Moon: how did you get in my house?
‘Pampers’ is a good product name because it implies being able to poop in your disposable underwear is a great luxury
When spiders see you left a pair of shoes in the garage
I like a woman that makes me feel alive, but also lets me know that it might not be for long.
My 6yo, sick enough to stay home yet well enough to be yelling C’MON BRO at his video game while I leave a message with the attendance office
Having defeated the floor lamp, 4 plants & one “unbreakable” cat toy, my idiot cat has now waged war against my laundry.
The Battle of the Bra is in full swing.
A pack of coyotes shrieking outside your house at 11:59 PM is slightly less unsettling if you imagine one of them just won a new car.
Seagulls are when the sea clenches its pelvic floor
Went to a humanist wedding a few weeks ago. One of the lovely things was the rings being passed round during the ceremony, allowing us all to make a wish for the couple as we held them. After, asked my son what he’d wished for. He replied, “I misunderstood & wished for a puppy.”
imagine my surprise when i learned the word “briefly” does not, in fact, mean “underwearly”
If Socrates had been a woman, he would’ve said: All I know is that I have all these clothes, but I have nothing to wear.
i love when dog owners are like “our dog is very food-motivated!” like yeah. it’s a dog
I’m making all of the random open bags of things in our freezer for dinner. Everyone gets 4 chicken nuggets, 5 tater tots, 6 fries, and an onion ring.
I got new glasses with anti-glare lenses but I’m looking at my wife right now and, boy, they clearly do not work
You know you’re sick when your girlfriend asks if you’re feeling okay instead of the usual eye roll after spitting up a lung.
When I die, I want to be buried in a random field without a casket or teeth, so I can be an unsolved mystery one day.
My kid force-fed me popcorn so I had to act like I hated it, but it was secretly amazing
Might buy an ice-cream truck just so that I can drive it around town, playing the jingle, whilst eating the inventory all by myself in plain view of the public.
early stone age tool
ignorant poors: We need money! Money is so important!
wise rich man: More important than a delicious orange? more important than a beautiful day at the lake house, or a humble Rolls-Royce Phantom?
my bf is on a plane to miami right now and a bulldog in the row next to him just had diarrhea. everyone freaked out, the dog owner began sobbing, and the dog escaped. now, covered in poo, it is running around the plane. people are lifting up their legs and screaming.
Meanwhile at the drugstore…
What do you mean I can’t drink alcohol with this medication?
You’re not a bartender!
You’re just a pharmacist.
What if Cookie Monster was censored and this whole time he has been talking about boobies instead of cookies?
Wife’s friend: So what was your C section like?
Wife: Well, it wa….
Me: Omg it was AWFUL. I had to just stand there for like 30 minutes
judge: we hereby find you guilty of parrot smuggling
me: this is bullshit
*from jacket* this is bullshit
As a kid, I once spent hours hiding wedged behind a dresser refusing to come out unless my mom called me Smurfette- knowing full well she’d never figure out that was the way to find me/ get me out – so yes I’ve always been this way…
I reached the summit’s peak, spoke to the Oracle, and she says you have to let me finish the rest of your m&m’s
I just listened to an great session on “Designers and Gyaan” hosted by @dharmeshba. It provokes a lot of good questions. I can’t help but contrast this with academia. In academia, I get the teaching/speaking opportunities based on how well I “publish.” Many professionals, 1/n
Hamburglar search history:
• sentence for stealing burgers
• do inmates get burgers
• what is prison “beef”
• countries that don’t extradite