[first time golfing]
caddy: which club would you like sir
me: do you have turkey
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You won’t find his name in the history books, but my dad piloted many of NASA’s early experimental cafeteria test salad programs—a number of which introduced some pretty radical salad-propulsion designs for the time.
Soccer has such a high risk of injury. The other day, at my son’s game, I crushed my finger folding up a camp chair.
There’s a spider that’s been in the same place on my living room wall for an hour so he’s essentially also watching Shrek.
Me: Wouldn’t it be funny if a hawk swooped down and grabbed one of the kids?
Him: You need help.
What Kermit (the frog) is called in different countries:
10. Kermit (Denmark)
9. Kermit (France)
8. Kermit (Japan)
7. Kermit (Slovakia)
6. Kermit (Italy)
5. Kermit (Canada)
4. Kermit (Iceland)
3. Kermit (the Netherlands)
2. Kermit (Poland)
1. Gustavo (Spain)
Christmas tree still up?
that’s a cat tree now.
Problem solved.
Shit: bowel movement
Sh t: vowel movement
i
Acceptance truly begins when you ask Alexa to play classic rock and she plays a song that came out when you were in high school
Couldn’t remember the word ‘duck’ earlier so I called it a lake chicken.
A required corporate training course said to build strong relationships.
Also, HR told me it’s “inappropriate” to kiss strangers.
Because everyone in Italy is quarantined, the natural wildlife has returned to the water and forests ❤️ We are the virus
This peach margarita tastes like I’m not working out today
One Saturday morning at three,
A cheese monger’s shop in Paree.
Collapsed to the ground,
With a thunderous sound,
Leaving only a pile of de brie.#Limerick #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
me: [breaks long awkward silence] “so what do you do for a living?”
taxi driver: [just looks at me]
Girlfriend: can you run to the gas station and get some gas
Me: sure
Gas station employee: how can I help you
Me: *sweating out of breath* gas please
Gas station employee: where’s your car
Dad, the Easter Bunny should know that I don’t like Rolos but he puts them in my basket every year.
Me: (eating a Rolo) Yeah, that’s weird.
Why hasn’t anyone stopped him?
Boycott kissing men at midnight. It’s New Year’s Eve not New Years Steve.
Due to company policies in Canada, some fast food drive-throughs will now present you with the payment machine by taping it to the blade of a hockey stick. I’m not pucking kidding either.
My mom, doing a crossword puzzle, asked me for a rapper named Dr. ___. I replied Dre, and she said “oh yeah I forgot about him”. She has no clue how funny this is.
[date]
me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous
me: WHO IS HE
When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I’m going to ask him for some dating advice.
Mess with your coworkers by walking up behind them and whispering in their ear, “strike two”
People in glass houses can throw whatever they want. They live in a glass house, I’m not expecting them to be practical
Employment is basically an arranged marriage with your coworkers.
My house is almost 80 years old, so are some of the spiders, judging by the size of them.
Sometimes you have to stop tweeting to have an alibi for ignoring texts.
I know Taco Bell doesn’t have “I hate myself” sauce yet. But they should. They should.
Writer: a cartoon about 4 teenage turtles and a rat
Exec: not convinced
Writer: they’re mutants?
Exec: it needs to appeal to kids
Writer: they’re named after renaissance artists
Relatives – Because sometimes you need reminding of your bad genes too