Sorry I started scratching your bug bite as I asked if it still itches.
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Welcome to Yoga class. You’ll slowly ease into half splits, and then you’ll remain there for the rest of your life.
Everyone: backing into parking spaces is stupid
Person who backs into parking spaces: the world is not ready for my level of ingenuity
I am looking forward to 6pm Thanksgiving Day when Walmart opens its doors for its annual sale of trampled human corpses.
If you’re not going to offer booze at your wedding, at least have the decency to provide a wifi password.
jeff bezos: i don’t like it when people say i look like an alien
therapist: well you did exploit earth’s resources
bezos: so that i can build my spaceship
therapist:
bezos: *licks eyeball*
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the last twelve digits of pi.
DUI stands for: don’t uber, i got this.
Find you a woman that looks at you the way my ex wife looked at my best friend, his brother, my stepdad, my bother-in-law, a handful of her coworkers, a group of bikers at the local bar that one time, that one dude who lived in the apartment above us…
Saw Top Gun, and I think with the right amount of mustache, I could definitely fly a jet.
The human body is 75% water so we’re, basically, just lettuce with anxiety.
Yous guys keep her distracted. I do the rest. Got it?
8yo me: i wanta be a paleontologist when i grow up
28yo me: (sifting through cat litter) oh look, a quarter!
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
Fun prank: ONLY explain gay marriage to your kids and then watch other people try to explain their weird straight marriages.
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home.
“I CAME IN LIKE A WRECKING BAAAAAAALLL”
– me at 3:00am, drunk and naked, on my neighbor’s tire swing
Me *hesitates to do CPR on a friend who’s on the floor, unconscious*: What if he comes back as a zombie
911 Operator: No, he’d have to be dead awhile, then reanimated through some kind of disease vector or lightning storm.
Me: Thank you!
Operator: That’s what we’re here for.
me: i’m not afraid of death
[2 mins later : stubs toe]
also me: OMG I’M DYING
The D word that everyone’s been feeling at work is depression. I guessed the wrong word, apparently.
Aaaaand there’s HR calling me. Brb.
Dr Suess isn’t that special. watch this:
I’m mad and sad and doing very bad
I’m not a fan of having things on my wrist but I’d definitely get the Apple iCarceration ankle monitor
I have pepper spray and I’m not afraid to use it.
*rifles around in purse* No, that’s not it. Hold on. Can you hold this?
*hands murderer a crumpled wad of CVS receipts*
I had it right here. Maybe in the zipper part? Goddamn, why is this sock here — okay, wait —
Murderer:
How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?
There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.
there should be more car holidays besides christmas like “hoppy honda days” or “a leggxus to remember” for easter or even “creepy jeepy month” for halloween. i mean cmon do i have to do all the work around here?
Kids won’t remember they have homework but they’ll remember you promised them Robux if they did their chores for the whole month
Annual reminder.
If Christmas decorations were meant to go up in November then surely they’d be called novorations.
Wile E Coyote: I like my dinner on the run if you know what I mean
*pulls up to the Taco Bell window*
Is there a support group for parents whose children watched so much Bluey that it caused them to become Australian? Asking for a friend
“Post Malone” is British for “mail my mortgage payment.”
Always remember to look for the end of the extension cord you left in the yard before taking a piss.