Sorry I hit you with my car over and over… but you kept getting up.
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Huge nerds we are. Get laid we must.
Clerk: Why do you need 200 condoms?
Me: I have a beard and an accent. *winks*
*Spends night making balloon animals
i told a rich person that i think we should raise the minimum wage and they were like “raise the minimum wage? what’s next?? lower the maximum wage!?!” and it’s like actually, now that you mention it, that’s not a bad idea
If you can tell from my eye contact at the grocery store that I’m inviting you to race shopping carts, you’re my kinda people.
I took your advice and worked smarter not harder. Now I’m going to need your advice on a good lawyer.
If there’s a “Mr.” in front of your cat’s name you’re going to die alone.
*At demonstration
*grabs megaphone – stands on car
‘DOES ANYONE HAVE AN iPHONE CHARGER?’
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
I waited around all morning for the mailman so I could grab his hand through the mail slot.
just gave your address to some spiders
Him: we’re being attacked by a UFO
Me: are they human?
Him: no they’re-
Me [clenches fist]: then they are dancer
If chefs ever prepared food on the Moon, their dishes would surely be interesting, but their restaurants would have no atmosphere.
If you’re dying, and have recently lost your car keys, take the opportunity, as your life flashes before your eyes, to try to spot them!
[buying food when i’m full]: I need but half a carrot and a thimble of cottage cheese in my pantry
[buying food when hungry]: give me 8 jars of lard. bring me a cow
[at ER]
ME: my stomach hurts.
DOC: have you been able to eat anything today?
ME: yeah, like 75 pieces of pizza.
Own pets. That way no one will ever know who made that terrible smell
I’m not a bad person, although once I blew a paper straw cover at my husband and it stuck in a lady’s hair and I didn’t tell her.
me: [nervously] how often do these things crash
flight attendant: just once usually
her: the manager of the McDonalds down the street called today…
him: [sitting on couch next to Ronald McDonald statue] Did he sound mad?
Forget carrying me to bed; carry me to the end of the workweek. Then we can talk
Me: I think my computer’s broken
Boss: just give it to the IT guy
Me: okay *walks outside and tosses my laptop into the sewer* good luck
Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.
Don’t Photoshop them into your profile pic after the first date. That’s weird. Wait until the second one.
guys in 2000’s: i want my pant legs as wide as possible.
guys now: please spray paint jeans onto me.
It’s good to make mistakes in front of your children to teach them they don’t have to be perfect.
And also the truth that you’re a moron.
As everyone is watching in horror what I did to that pinata, I realized that’s not how you’re supposed to get to the candy.
Marty McFly: *plays Nickelback*
Guess you guys aren’t ready for that yet but your kids are gonna love it.
*returns to the present to find a world without children*
i know someone who thought the chorus to gangnam style was “open condom style”
cop: do you know who the murderer is?
detective quasimodo: i have a [takes off sunglasses] decent lead
cop: [obviously disappointed] oh
detective quasimodo: what?
cop: it’s just i thought you were gonna say you had a… nvm it’s not important
Mushrooms are about 75 years away from inventing the computer but for now, bon Appetit