Welcome to middle age.
Don’t bother looking at the weather forecast; your joints will let you know when it’s going to rain.
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Save time sledding with kids by just throwing away one mitten before you even leave the house
“Evolution-schmevolution!”
-Bill DeNye, the Non-Science Guy
Imagine a giraffe. Now imagine the giraffe trying to get on a pool float. Now put my face on the giraffe. That’s about right.
One of my coworkers keeps stealing my lunch, so I included my favorite cucumber today. Hope she likes it.
Never underestimate mothers. They can turn “mayhem” into “ma’am” with one narrowed glance.
Imagine the havoc if raccoons could fly. Rotund shadows grow larger over a pizza guy moments before he’s swarmed by snarling, handsy demons.
Pro tip: If he pretends he can’t hear you, talk some shit about his mother.
“Hey, we’re wearing the same shoes,” I say to a teenager, ruining her day.
I once read the words “You have bewitched me body and soul” but your eggplant emoji is nice too.
cats: you just cleaned this box, i must use it
dogs: I can’t use a clean area, I must go where everyone has gone before me
Why must a movie be “good” ? Is it not enough to sit somewhere dark and see a beautiful face, huge?
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* BUT WHERE DOES THE STORK GET THE BABY FROM?!?
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
date: tell me about yourself
me: I want to kill the moon
date: I have a bit of a dark side too
me: [narrows eyes]
You shouldn’t sneak up on me like that, it’s rude!
Cop –
So ! Technically it’s YOUR fault I was speeding, because I didn’t see you
If you offer me celery I’ll use it as it was originally intended, to beat you with.
Dating profile at 26: I’m cute and interesting and funny and I will find everything you say super interesting. Let’s get married.
46:
I like what I like. I’m not growing my hair long just so you can pet it. I have one cankle, and I bloat after eating. Hit me up.
“Ok so I managed to squeeze everything into two separate boxes for you. This one has the ribs in it.”
–a nice waiter or a bad mortician
Can’t feed an old dog new Trix.
Trix are for kids.
It may be autocorrect, but I’m excited to see how this plays out when I drive my friend to pickup her satan wedding dress.
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
detective: dammit *slams fist on table* tell me where he is
me: [confidently] the Fourth of July picnic
detective: but where exactly?
me: *holding where’s waldo book* oh i’m gonna need more time
The pool supply sales lady told me I should shock my swimming pool once a week, so I keep showing it my senior picture.
If you don’t walk sideways chanting ‘crab people’ when holding tongs, we can’t be friends.
first my neighbor liked my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
Parenting Hack: slide a little cash your kid’s teacher’s way, & all of his crafts projects will “mysteriously” disappear after being graded.
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
ME: how about a horn solo
DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: that’s not how this works
Safe travels to all the parents heading out to buy the batteries they didn’t know they needed.