every year on my birthday i take a bite out of this windowsill bc i get so excited
You Might Also Like
was reading about defunct airlines again and i can’t believe they named it this
It all started when I realized that we didn’t call whiskers on rodents “mouse-taches”
THERAPIST *pushes intercom* Deb, cancel my 3 o’clock.
I’m no fan of watching a train wreck, unless that train is pulling boxcars full of delicious delicious Raisin Bran®️
Pspspspsps works on people too, not just cats
daughter: daddy! daddy! did you see how high i jumped?
me [eyes closed, blind folded, 3000 leagues under the sea in a deprivation chamber]: yes, wow that was so amazing!!!!
“I stalk people you’ve probably never heard of” -hipster stalker
I drink coffee because I don’t think I would do well going to prison for murder.
ME: Okay, going out of town for 4 days, so I need 4 days of clothes.
MY BRAIN: Cool, cool cool cool… What if you actually need every shirt you’ve ever owned tho?
My family wants to start exercising more so now I have to jog to another town and find a new family
pharmacy child-safety bottles have gone so far that i just have to swallow the bottle whole and hope my stomach knows what to do
DEFENSE: Your Honor, will you allow my client to escape?
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
PROSECUTOR: Aw WTF
JUDGE: Let’s see where he goes with this
My cat is walking a very fine line between being cute & being sold to the Korean restaurant down the street.
If sex doesn’t include peanut butter, a live mongoose, and my psychiatrist taking notes then I don’t want it.
Two princes?
I’ll take the one that wants to buy me rockets.
Getting my 6yo from a playdate today:
6: “Bye! Thank you! You need to wash your hair!”
Friend’s mom (laughing): “I do?”
6: “Yeah, it’s black near your head!”
Friend’s mom (still laughing, thank god): “Oh honey, those are just my roots.”
Me, dying 1,000 deaths: “Time to go!”
The secret to success is to surround yourself with people that don’t know you.
I now know that no matter how happy you are it’s not always the right time to clap your hands and show it.
Mother in Law’s funeral taught me that.
Never forget that for every public official who is stupid and awful, there are thousands of ordinary citizens who are also stupid and awful.
Your prayers are needed. Today I’m gonna tell my screenplay that it’s adapted.
Snake: What do you do?
Gun shop owner: I’m an arms dealer.
*snake gets super excited*
5: I’m bad at this puzzle
Me: you’re trying your best! Mommy has a hard time with that one too!
5: yeah, because you’re bad at it
me: so this is twitter, and these are all the people who follow me
dad: and they like you?
me: haha oh goodness no
No, I am not okay. Facebook just showed me something I posted 10 years ago.
Sometimes all you need,
is 500 million dollars.
When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.
sleep researchers agree that it may sound fun to set a favorite song as your wakeup alarm, but it will quickly make you hate the song. That’s why the scientific consensus is for everyone to use Drops Of Jupiter instead
You give me that many goddamn birds for one f****** holiday and I’m grilling the shit out of them. Lemon pepper turtle doves, anyone?
“You made your bed now lay in it” doesn’t really sound like a punishment to me. I love laying in a freshly made bed.
And other 5am thoughts
I know it’s rude to ask someone about their pregnancy if you’re unsure, but my hubby looks about 4 months along & the suspense is killing me
An orca just threw a molotov cocktail at my house.