*pulls pristine, luscious lips out of an ornate golden box*
“Actually, THIS is the mouth I kiss my mother with”
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Finally
me: I want to spend a month on a desserted island
Wife: you mean deserted?
Me: no
Friend: I’m so sore from the class I took at the gym
Me: I spent 10 minutes trying to pick up a cube of ice off my floor, I know the feeling
Scientist next to me: My god. Reality is a simulation.
Me (also a scientist): My god. I haven’t fed my tamagotchi in 17 years.
“All of everything is about balance,” she says juggling three chainsaws, five flaming bowling balls, & a chicken named Englebert.
it was easy to be a drug dealer in the 60s because dogs weren’t invented until 1978
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
In case you wondered how much patience I have for questions today, I just told my 4-year-old the sky is blue because I said so.
It’s rude to upstage the bride on her wedding day but that’s exactly what’s going to happen when I burst into flames as I enter the church.
You: What happened to your hand?
Me: I lost my engagement ring so I cut off my finger so my husband wouldn’t notice.
Spider 1: … So, they live in there?
Spider 2: Yep.
Spider 1: I can’t believe that this *taps brick house wall* comes out of their butt!
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *opens candy wrapper*
Child: THAT BETTER NOT BE MY HALLOWEEN CANDY!!
You ever look someone in the eyes and it’s just blank? Like, you can see right into the filing cabinet of their brain and all the drawers are empty
love getting up in the middle of the night to make myself a little chaos snack. sure i’ll put chicken nuggets and cheese sticks in a tortilla. it’s 2 am god can’t see me here
I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China.
My one egret is eating at the aviary. My food had a heron it.
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
Friend – I just got mugged by a guy walking his dog!
Me – What kind of dog was it? What was it’s name? Was it cute? Did you pet it?
When you wear a cardigan for the very first time it’s just called a card
*sends epic tweet*
[no likes 3 hours later]
*waits 2 weeks, sends again*
[no likes 1 day later]
*starts typing*
NSA: dude, let it go
A street preacher told me that gays cause floods, & my first reaction was to call my friend Ben & ask him what other rad shit he could do
does anyone in IT care to admit that when someone submits a help request you quietly fix the problem behind the scenes and then tell them to try something super obvious so they look like an idiot?
It’s only August and I’m already tired of watering my plants. Makes me wonder how my daughter has lasted 18 years.
Stuck behind a guy with 13 items in the express lane and my avocados have already gone bad.
I wasn’t snoring..
I was dreaming I’m a dirt bike.
11: Mom if you’re sweating in a sweater does that make you the sweater?
Me: Just brush your teeth.
Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
Been looking for you, every, single, day in the obituaries.
Darling
My new SUV has a button that says
“Rear Wiper”.
I’m afraid to push it.
It should be a crime to have sports announcers that sound like a grandpa kermit the frog murmuring through a paper towel tube. YOU’RE RUINING THE GAME PAPA