Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.
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My husband is obsessed with keeping our new car in pristine condition, so I carry a little vial of glitter with me at all times in case he pisses me off.
TV shows project an unrealistic image, like catching a criminal in an hour or that people don’t spend most of the day in pyjamas drinking wine.
He loved it so much he walked himself up.
Every email I ever send: Hello! I am extremely excited to be corresponding with you! You can tell by the number of exclamation points I use! Here is one sentence with a period so that I don’t come across as manic. Thanks!
My wife has a “work husband” so I’m having him come over to load the dishwasher and get yelled at for doing it wrong
Me as a teen: Only 150 hours?
Me as an adult: I will literally pay you more money to make this game shorter
[Reality TV]
HOST: Welcome to America’s Next Top Psychic! Please, try not to–*One contestant stands up*: I WON!
H: –ruin it.
Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.
Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.
Judging by this sunburn, I’d say the sunscreen I lathered on earlier was SPF goddamn liar.
Hey, remember that person you thought you couldn’t live without? Well look at you, living and shit.
[party]
What exactly does BYOB mean?“Bring your own beer”
Bill Nye the Science Guy slowly slides the bacteria sample back in his lab coat
I saw my close personal friend Jim smelling chairs at the movie theater this morning and when he saw me watching he just said “no one will believe you”
Sure sex is great but have you ever turned off the news?
This painting is titled:
Would It Hurt You To Put The Dirty Bowl In The Dishwasher?
[trying to stop my toddler’s tantrum in a restaurant]
*harsh whisper* If you don’t cut it out right now then there’s nothing else I can do
If I ever get trampled to death by a herd of cattle I want my obituary to say I was pasturized. Thanks.
Marriage is just your spouse perpetually standing in front of the kitchen drawer or cabinet you need to open.
I’m upstairs and the food is downstairs. Send help.
asbestos? I’m doing asbestos I can
[runs into friends with baby]
Me: OMG WHO’S THIS LITTLE GUY.
Friends:*picks up baby* wanna hold him?
Me:*kneeled next to dog* what?
accidentally called out my dentist’s name during my colonoscopy
I have this recurring nightmare where I’m vegan and religiously doing crossfit, but I’m stuck on a deserted island and there is no one to tell.
To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon.
If it’s in a bowl and it’s before lunch time then technically it’s cereal.
-5 asking for chips for breakfast
Even when I change my mind, it still doesn’t work any better.😁
A bank safety deposit box may seem extreme, but you don’t understand how hard it is to hide a box of Girl Scout cookies from my family.
Normalize asking jobs for references right back. Like I’m gonna need to talk to three current employees, please.
Me: So you want to see other people?
Him: I’m just getting glasses!
Reason 5,746 why parents drink- my kids are fighting over whose horse is going faster on the same merry-go-round
When a store says “trusted since 1982” I just wonder what shady shit they were up to in 1981.