My favorite Bible stories are where women are villains for things like picking fruit or getting their boyfriend a better haircut.
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In what can only be described as the least surprising coincidence of all time, I just found out that the 5 year-old girl who keeps stealing the buttons off my son’s shirts at school is named Coraline
Someone got friendzoned hard at the Brewers game… 😬
son: why is my name jesus
dad: mom wanted to name u after a rolemodel
other son: &me?
dad: well Charizard the same reason but it was my turn
Mac & cheese implies the existence of PC & cheese
The best time to tell a girl that she have something tucked in her teeth is when there’s no mirror around and there’s nothing in her teeth.
The Cleveland kidnapper was found dead in his cell. I guess being locked up against your will didn’t agree with him.
SIRI, CALL FOR HELP! Searching for kelp. OMGYOU IDIOT! SIRI, GET AN AMBULANCE! There are 23 listings for lap dance in your area.
“I’d like you to meet my half sister.”
“Different fathers?”
“Shark attack.”
That moment when you’re driving and tweeting and you look up and notice you’re in the Atlantic Ocean.
No one prepared me for getting hotter with age, yet here I am handling it.
I like how Alexander Graham Bell invented phones, crackers, and ringers.
Got fired from my job at the asthma clinic for trying to hit on women by asking if their favorite 90s band was Weezer.
What do you mean you are supposed to breathe while you eat.
*switches the place cards so I’m sitting next to the mashed potatoes*
Piñatas give kids unrealistic expectations of how much candy spills out of a donkey when you split one open
People look at you funny when you put things in their cart at the store.
Me: *pushes chips forward* I’m all in.
Dealer: Sir, for the last time those are Doritos.
Me: I’d kill for your body.
Female trainer: Actually, with consistent exercise and clean eating…
Me: No that sounds hard I’d rather do murder
When I die, I hope people react the way my kids do when the iPad freezes.
I love showering with my husband. There’s nothing more intimate during sex than discussing water temperature.
the perfect lunchbox d̶o̶e̶s̶n̶’̶t̶ ̶e̶x̶i̶s̶t̶
*pulls away from kissing*
batman, is this why I’m your sidekick?
My dog went to his room but left a decoy and I legit thought he was still sitting next to me for like two hours
freezing my eggs so i can chuck em at his house later
Me : So does that mean my immune system doesn’t have to go to work and can just put it’s feet up?
Doctor: No, I said you have a WEAKENED immune system
General: Why is the whole battalion yellow and slimy?
Me: I mustard the troops.
General: …
Me: Just as you told me to, sir.
Pandas 🐼🖤
Say, hypothetically, I was stuck in an air vent over a dressing room at Lane Bryant. What kind of legal issues am I dealing with?
Chestnut implies the existence of legnut, armnut, necknut and the much anticipated buttnut.
What’s it called when you’re a perfectionist but also extremely bad at everything?