Our credit card was stolen but
I decided not to report it ….The thief is spending less
than my wife did.
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Me: “Bless me father, it’s been 13,505 days since my last confession.”
Priest: “You’re off to a bad start.”
A fun way to “Break up” is to tell them to “Go long” and then never throw them the football.
It is snowing perfect snowball packing snow right now, so I was wondering if anyone would like to walk slowly past my house?
Kinda rude my neighbours live next to me.
HER: [whispering seductively] tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: [also whispering] owning a home
(watching the Alien crawl around vents and slowly kill off my crew mates) I could fix him…
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way
Mechanic [looking other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection
3yo: When will I die?
me: Hopefully, not until you’re very, very old.
3yo: Who is going to kill me?
UMMM, what?
me: how much gas do i have?
car: empty.
me: ok but HOW empty?
The idiot’s diet is just biting your tongue.
I was told my $750 iPhone would improve the quality of my phone calls, but my family keeps calling telling me the same shit.
Them: dating isn’t hard you just gotta put yourself out there
Me: ok got it
10 y/o daughter says she wants a job like mine someday because I’m “important but not that important” and my life story finally has a title.
My favorite part of my husband working from home is that our 6YO critiques all his conference calls.
“I think you should say ‘don’t get me wrong’ instead of ‘let me be clear’ next time daddy, it just sounds better.”
Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.
8: [gives dog good morning kisses]
wife: the dog gets good morning but not me? I gave you life!
8: the dog’s cute
me: everybody run
oh u like geography? name every lake
I’ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
5-year-old: Dad! Dad! My sister-
Me: Stop tattling. I don’t want to hear about it unless there’s blood.
5:
Me:
5: How much blood?
If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.
buys donuts instead
T H E K I _ _ _ P P E R
Taking a DNA sample from the kidnapper.
If you think you’re socially awkward, one time a woman I barely know was pointing to something on my shirt and I thought she wanted to start a finger sword fight with me.
I’m giving up sex for lent mostly because I’m not having any anyway so it seems like the easiest and most logical choice for this journey.
[first date]
ME: *staring at phone* So then you just come up with something funny and people RT you
WAITER: Sir, your date left 20 min ago
If your idea of an “Epic” deal is $5 off then we may have different interpretations of that word, Pottery Barn.
[first day as a human being] wow there are a lot of us, this seems promising 🙂 it appears that we’re all in this togeth-
Finally found a job ad that didn’t mention ‘attention to detail’ or ‘team player’. Finally!
Remember friend.
A $5 iced latte a day is $25 a week, $100 a month, $1200 a year.
After 10 years.. that’s $12,000!
Which is still nowhere near enough to put a down payment on a house so enjoy your espresso in peace.
Astrology isn’t real. Oh wait- I share a birthday with Lizzie Borden? Okay, that checks out.