Watching football with your 11 y/o daughter is fun because when you get frustrated at your team, she asks calming questions like, “Daddy, do you really think you can do better than the players?”
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If by “junk in the trunk” you mean the untouched gym bag I store there, then yes, I most certainly have junk in my trunk.
Slowly he climbs into
my bed. Our eyes meet,
I can feel his desire.His need for me and only me.
• The cat wants to be fed.
I like to mute CNN and imagine they’re arguing about what appetizer, or appetizers, to order at TGIFridays.
The ghost of the girl murdered in my apartment in the 1920s would scare me a lot more if she didn’t keep queuing up Paw Patrol on Netflix.
me as a new nurse trying to help out in a code
Just saw a guy at the gym with only 1 arm.
If that’s not motivation, I don’t know what is?
Seriously, I don’t know, I’m leaving…
My dad was bragging about his hearing aid. State of the art, he said. Cost me a fortune. Awesome, I said, what type is it? Two thirty, he replied.
UK and US word differences
UK | US
Crisps | Guns
Chips | Guns
Nappy | Gun
Biscuit | Gun
Pavement | Floor Gun
Lollypop | Gun
Gun | Two Guns
“I now pronounce you lunch and dinner.”
hello, this is your hindsight talking, that is a very bad idea, don’t do that
Pavlov’s dog but it’s me reaching in the backseat for trash every time my kid says “MOM!”
I asked Alexa to play the Encanto soundtrack and I swear I heard her sigh
A library patron stops in her tracks at the reference desk, studies me, and says: “You’ve gotten a few gray hairs!”
“Yeah, I get one every time there’s something I want to say out loud at work but hold it in instead. Oops, there’s a new one.”
I wish I had remembered this was a rectal thermometer before I’d put it in my mouth for 3 minutes.
If I ever run out of food, I can survive for 3 or 4 days on the stuff stuck to the walls of my microwave.
I ate a shepherd’s pie for lunch. He was pretty upset about it.
Wait, so hallways in mental institutions aren’t called psychopaths? Well they should be.
I took sex ed in school. At no point did they point out that I wouldn’t have any
If you can talk really fast you have some options in life: Become an auctioneer or list the side effects of drugs at the end of commercials.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
ME: You wanted me to bring home some bears, right?
HIM: Beers
ME: Haha. Yeah. That was a joke. Anyways, don’t go in the garage for a few hours.
Writing a horror story where parents won’t just drop off their children for a play date. They also want to sit and talk. It’s called, “You Really Don’t Have to Stay.”
“OMG! We broke up years ago. Which was, like, 100% your choice. And I’m still the first thing you talk about. To. Like. Everyone.”
— Gluten
I’m so sick of answering questions about the age difference between my kids, so I’ve started telling people the oldest one came with the house.
u guys got any snacks onboard here
[on the club dancefloor]
DATE: *shouting over music* I LIKE A MAN WHO’S… COORDINATED
ME: MY SHIRT MATCHES MY UNDERWEAR
Someone should figure out how to turn children arguing into energy. We would be able to power the whole damn world.
my kidney: can you stop with the alcohol?
my heart: yes and also start eating better?
my brian: do whta yuo liek.
me: love you, brian.
Him: Do you have any food in your purse?
Me: I call it my Snack pocket. My snocket.
Him: Not all words need to be-
Me: ALL OPTIONS SHOULD BE EXPLORED DO YOU WANT THIS Ziplock OF WARM BABY CARROTS OR NOT?