Rather than changing the clock on your oven simply cook your food an hour ago.
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“Paper or pl..”
..astic! OMG we finish each other’s sentences! You complete mmmm…
“I’m not saying ‘me'”
ME! OMG we did it again!
“…”
In my house the roles are reversed cause my kids tell me to turn my music down.
girl: wanna have car sex?
me looking out the window at my car nervously: um… do I… do I put it in the muffler
A guy told me I’m bad at flirting and I got so mad I took back all the dead birds I nailed to his door.
Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.
Doctor: I’m afraid we will have to remove part of your colon.
Me: So I’m gonna be a semicolon? LOL
Doctor:
[At Fancy Restaurant]
Her: I’ll have the oxtail topped with quail egg.
Him: Gimme a steak.
Her: *glares
Him: Uhh, topped with a Cadbury?
In 8th grade, I had a crush on a boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was gonna switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
Welcome to your forties.
You brag about how early you went to bed and you’re jealous if someone beats you.
Someone knocked at my door asking if I would like to donate to the children’s home so I just chucked him a few kids
It’s so reassuring when your nephew asks for your birth year and then replies with woah, did you go to war?
If someone says they’d “Like a word with you,” I can guarantee it’s way more than one word and you’re not going to like any of them.
Kids are like public radio stations; they’re talented at constantly interrupting stories to ask for money.
This gratitude journal looks a lot like a grocery list.
her: i only eat like once a day it’s called intermittent fasting
me: oh what do you do the rest of the day?
her: adderall
I carry my checkbook with me everywhere just in case someone wants to be paid in the least convenient way possible.
me: Guess what? Your dad’s going to be on the radio!
7yo: What’s the radio?
Homosexuals please help me. I think my hamsters are gay. How do I let them know it’s okay?
[At the coroners’ to identify a body]
Me: “Yep. That’s a body all right.”
*hand touches hot stove*
BRAIN: GET IT OFF NOW NOW*mouth eats hot food*
BRAIN: CHEW FASTER. JUGGLE IT WITH YOUR TONGUE. DON’T BE A QUITTER
The only thing I miss about eating meat is the enticing stickers on the packages. I want an avocado labeled “choice cut” or some prime tofu.
“Paypal me your lunch money!” -Cyber Bullies
Mother’s maiden name: Mom
Mother’s first name: Mom
Mother’s last name: MomWhy do they even asks such dumb questions?
Bull: I want to show you my leather saddle
Cow: Can you not?
-50 Shades of Graze
No, YOU forgot you colored your hair and nearly screamed because there was a strange woman in your hotel bathroom.
Fortune cookies are pretty cool but there are foods that can more accurately predict the future. Like if I drink tequila I know I’m definitely getting arrested.
GENIE: you have one wish. choose wisely
ME: i wish i was only 14 inches tall so that when i hold a knife it looks like i’m wielding a huge ass sword
GENIE: your wish is granted. why didn’t you just wish for a sword though
ME: oh yeah damn
If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I’d choke to death swallowing it.
Why do they even bother calling him 007, when the first thing he does is introduce himself using his REAL NAME?
My kids are trying to decide what sign they want to put on their new bedroom door, and so far they’ve narrowed it down to:
boys only
boys rule
no girls except at bedtime
sometimes girls