ACME gave a credit card to Wile E. Coyote with no credit history, just so he could capture a bird. This is why banks need to be regulated.
You Might Also Like
Me: Dammit I’m not gonna let you die on my watch
Her: *chokes* It’s too late
Me: *leans in close* Get off my watch. It’s a Rolex.
When she jokingly asks “You’re not a serial killer, are you?”
It is NOT okay to jokingly say, “Well, you’d be my first!” in response.
Just know that when I say “the other day” I actually mean anytime between yesterday and 10 years ago.
“How about we go with a gerund, but, like, maybe just half a gerund.”
– How ING Bank got its name
9: Can I sleep with you?
Me: Why?
9: Had a dream about the Lullaby Lady.
M: Who?
9: An old woman with no skin on her hands.
M: Why do you call her that?
9: Because she stands next to your bed and hums while you sleep.
M: Sure, just let Daddy put the house up for sale real quick.
I enjoy how fitbit tracks the calories I burn just by being alive. I like getting credit for that.
I hate straight weddings because we all have to form a circle and pretend a 4 year old is a better dancer than me.
*6 missed calls*
*5 missed facetime*
*8 unread messages*
If your date asks what you do for a living, just say “You let me worry about that.”
Proper labeling of axes is absolutely crucial.
[group therapy]
me: you ever feel so full of rage that you wish you could just ram somebody with your car and then throat punch them when they stumble out?
voldemort: uhh no
joker: yikes
darth vader: seriously what is wrong with you
Peregrine falcons: Attack from above. Prey on smaller birds. Silent. Cowards.
Geese: Will land in front of a full grown man. Hiss and honk to let you know battle has commenced. Audible boss music. Brave.
Nurse: Hi I’m Sandi I’ll be drawing your blood today.
Me: [not seeing a single red crayon] How?
Forever grateful that thought bubbles aren’t a real thing
For a cat named Jingles, his tambourine accompaniment to my blistering bongo solo isn’t that impressive.
9yo: “Mom, I’m so nervous to go out in public…”
Me, mentally stretching as I prepare for a convo about gun violence, racism, stranger danger…
9yo: “I just keep thinking that a bird might think my hair is french fries and swoop and grab it.”
My Indian name is dances without coordination.
For the record, riding my unicycle to the bank robbery was a terrible idea.
Our middle child says we neglect him/her.
little girl: he was a gift
horse dentist: then I cannot help you
The scariest part of packing is making sure you unpacked all the drugs from the last time you traveled
until I had kids I had no idea that it was possible for someone to drink water with such ferocity
“Grandpa, I can’t stop thinking about Santa’s sack.”
Me: Aww, sweetie. Run along now. Grandpa has to put that on the internet.
[velociraptor sneaks up on me as I aim my gun]
me: clever girl
velociraptor: what
me: …clever girl
velociraptor: I’m 26
me: sorry I-
velociraptor: looks like I’m not the only dinosaur here
I like my salad like my poker opponents – obscured from view by a massive f****** pile of my chips.
My plumber asked me for a Google review. I said I thought it was a really good search engine and I’d give it 8/10.
i can see why people hate change, it’s heavy and jingly in your pocket, and people look at you weird when you use it to buy booze, i get it
I guess a good thing that would happen to me if the zombie apocalypse ever occurred is that I’d finally start running
Dance like no one is watching.
Sing like no one is listening. A
Eat salty food like your blood pressure cuff is broken.
First date
Him: What do you do?
Me [pulls out a Victoria’s Secret catalog that I’ve clearly glued photos of my face into]
“I’m a model.”