Having a bad vocabulary is very bad
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This is a bad idea on so many levels.
Me: (to myself) what is wrong with you
Myself: (to me) oh like you don’t know
(in a rowboat with 6 starving people)
“I think you mean “WHOM should we eat first”
SHAME ON YOU LOT for showing newby tweeters bad behaviour this weekend
*ring ring*
ME: Hello
FRIEND: Nat. Why is my son saying the F Word?
*opens tube of pillsbury crescent rolls*
*crosses off list: do one thing everyday that scares you.*
[5th Century]
A KNIGHT LIFTS HIS VISOR TO SALUTE A COMRADE
[2016]
I nod to the other guy on the train who also spilled coffee on his crotch
[At my front door, speaking to a detective in my robe]
Me : Can I have my robe back, please?
idk how to explain it but this cat Iook british 😭😭
Me: Bless me father for I have sinned…
Priest texting me back: I already told you, I’m not absolving u of your sins unless you come in.
ME: Is that a B or an 8?
HUSBAND: It’s a D. When are you going to get reading glasses?
ME: My eyes are fine. The print is too small.
KID: It’s an O. You’re both blind.
Killing Eve is trending and I thought we had a new holiday.
A baby came out of my stomach and I was all “weird, I don’t remember eating that…”
(pointing at TV) That’s Homer, he’s sort of the ringleader. The hierarchy is actually not super clear but it seems like he and the woman grew the smaller ones somehow
convinced HR to revise the language in my termination letter to read: despite multiple warnings he refused to stop misusing the defibrillator to “tingle his pants”
It’s adorable how I write “beer” on my shopping list like I’d somehow forget.
If you see me longingly looking at you at the pub, i’m just wondering if you’re going to eat all those nachos?
Jack is coming over.
“Jack from work or Jack and the…”
[a beanstalk comes up through the floor and crashes through the ceiling]
I just plugged the charger into my phone, in the correct hole, on the first try.
So it IS possible, guys.
IT. IS. POSSIBLE.
I thought I had an electric toothbrush, but it turns out I just have really unsteady hands.
you know what’s a waste of time? when you call a medical office and their message starts with, “if this is a life threatening emergency, please hang up and call 911” … if you didn’t learn that by the age of 4 then who are we to interrupt natural selection?
*goes down on one knee*
One Knee: I have a girlfriend
The waiter who’s drawn the short straw today steps up to my table with a gulp.
Him: Fresh Parmesan?
Me: MAKE IT RAAAAIN!
All I’m saying is that gay dudes butt blast each other for a reason. The asshole has the most sense receptors per area of any body part.
[interrogation]
“Where were you on the night of the 5th?”
“Dealing drugs.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“Healing pugs. I’m a pug vet.”
over-40 lifehack: if you go every 6 months instead of annually, they only give you a semicolonoscopy
I think everyone would benefit if women had Oxford commas instead of periods.
If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?
In Michelin star restaurants, Sloppy Joes are called Untidy Josephs.
Friend: Do you know karate?
Me: [wanting to sound cool but not overly cocky] I’ve heard of him.
If my TV’s so smart then why doesn’t it slap me when I turn on the news?