Please put away that scary photo, Tina.
That’s my X-ray.
I’m not sure what’s worse: the fact you dated a skeleton or that its name was Ray.
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I put on real clothes today. What more can my boss want from me?
Me: Shout out to all my homies!
Homies: Stop shouting at us.
A couple weeks ago I was introduced to Jason Momoa AS I WAS WALKING INTO THE GYM in case you’re wondering what every sad song on my next album will be about
Really, Beyonce? You’re a multi-millionaire, and you expect people to believe you use £4.99 Loreal makeup?
if they played poker with potato chips I’d have a gambling problem
My family wants to start exercising more so now I have to jog to another town and find a new family
Oooh honey, you were amazing last night. Can we do that again tonight?
Him: “… I slept on the couch.”
Mmmm yeahh
Me: *drinks tea*
Villain: haha! I have poisoned your drink!
Me: *starts drinking faster*
A body like this doesn’t just happen, I say to myself as I pause the workout video to take blueberry crumble muffins out of the oven.
She can’t leave if you’re wearing all of her clothes.
I’m sitting here watching this married couple argue in this restaurant. Then their 8 year old says “oh great, dinner and a show.” Priceless.
“Then we are agreed: we shall have a duel to the death at sunrise. And if I oversleep you will start without me.”
date: so what do you do?
me: *recalling how I deface every mesh window covering I see with Sharpie* I’m a screenwriter
Have you ever looked at someone & thought, you sure could benefit from getting a library card?
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.
ME: I wonder why you have to disclose if someone died in a house you’re selling, but not a car
COUPLE NO LONGER BUYING MY CAR: we can walk from here, I think
I made the mistake of telling my son I found a hair on my chin and now he keeps calling me Pops
bank robber: EVERYBODY BE COOL
me: [exists]
bank robber: WHAT DID I JUST SAY
Me: Do that thing I like
Him: [panics because I’m very inconsistent]
There’s a fine line between myth and reality and booze blurs it nicely.
she is beauty, she is grace
she’s got a hotdog for the space
I’ve updated my will…
“Being of sound mind, I spent it all.”
Welcome to your forties, when you start saying things like “This store isn’t open yet? It’s almost 7am!”
My kid needs me to help him with a report on any famous black scientist. Can we do Dr. Dre?
[ 9 months BC ]
Mary: *changes Facebook status to “it’s complicated”
Me: *trying to fill the void with food and booze*
Fellow Astronaut: THAT WAS 12 YEARS WORTH OF SUPPLIES!
Just in case the FBI turns on my web cam, I’ve got a teeny tiny picture of Jimmy Hoffa taped to the lens.
An OnlyFans but for bedtime stories.
When buying a car, let the salesperson know you’ve done your research. What pedal does what, where the engine goes, etc.
Math Problem: Tom has 35 apples. Richard gives him another 26. What does Tom have now?
Me: A terrified doctor.