Don’t leave me alone.
Alone: I have a boyfriend.
You Might Also Like
“I’ll NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
I feel like I have something to prove here.
Judge: That’s sort of how this works.
i have been told spending the night in this haunted house will grant me immunity from being pranked or fooled on the april fool day
Who decides which tweets go viral and which ones don’t?? I have been putting out quality content for YEARS and I’m starting to understand how Leonardo DiCaprio felt waiting for his Oscar.
If anything bites you, chain yourself in the basement for the next full moon. Just to be sure.
*things I learned from horrors
[Getting waterboarded]
“Um, sir the subject isn’t responding to interrogation, he’s just getting bigger”
[Me, a sponge]
“MwahahaHAHAHAA”
IRS: hey time to do taxes guess how much you owe
Me: i don’t want to guess can you just tell me
IRS: …
Me: hello?
IRS: i’m thinking of a number between one and jail
Making a list of all the people who wrote “Happy Birthday” on my wall without an exclamation point so that I know who’s secretly mad at me.
Amazon is a $250 billion dollar company that reacts to you buying a vacuum by going THIS GUY LOVES BUYING VACUUMS HERE ARE SOME MORE VACUUMS
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
Girl: I love Medieval Art
Boy: Who doesn’t? There he is now
Medieval Art: Good morrow! Pray tell- How fare thee on this day of providence?
This place is like batting practice with tomatoes.
*opening a bag of chips*
Librarian: Ma’am, you can’t have food in the library
Me: It’s my emotional support snack
85% of Canadian moms need you to fix their computer this afternoon
WIFE: It’s either me or th-
ME: He has name
WIFE: OR the goose.
ME: Say it.
WIFE:…
ME: Say his name.
WIFE:…
ME: Why won’t you love Tom Honks
“That’ll be $147,382.” – The cab driver after taking Will Smith from Philadelphia to Bel Air.
Have you ever considered shaving that beard and gluing it to your bald spot?
…
Oh! You meant a question about the job position!
Curiosity gave the cat slightly high blood pressure but nothing to be concerned about.
Wizard of Oz (1939): A hapless teen suffering from head trauma is led down the wrong path to cosplay, heroin, organ harvesting and ultimately, homicide.
Me: getting the flu shot wasn’t so bad, was it?
5: it was really loud
Me: loud?
5: yes because I screamed the whole time!
[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag
All I’m saying is you’ll never find cheese in a recipe for disaster.
*harry walks into snape’s office*
“What is it Potter?”
*closes and locks door*
“I miss you”
“Harry…”
*puts finger on snape’s lips*
“Shhhhh”
ME: *trying to remember name of someone I met 2 minutes ago*
BRAIN: “Nope. I got nothing. Unless you want complete lyrics to 90s songs?”
holy crap!! when I said “take care of them” I meant snacks & drinks
Periods are stupid. Why am I being punished for not being pregnant? Shouldn’t confetti be falling from my uterus?
Confuse a restaurant manager today by telling her how good the service was.
Quiz host: Your topic is music
Me: Yes!!
Quiz Host: Which Imagine Dragons song starts quietly followed by the singer yelling the chorus?
Me: You’ve got to be kidding me
It’s like I said when I fell into that tub of snapping turtles: now is not the time for pointing fingers
*uses a selfie stick to selfie with my new friends in the police lineup*