After my honeymoon, my ex apparently felt like a new man… and so did I.
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I didn’t realize that “sow your wild oats” is a metaphor, so I pretty much spent my early twenties farming.
When someone’s shooting at you, always run in a zig zag pattern. It won’t increase your odds. But it will make everyone laugh.
if you get famous on youtube you get ad money. if you get famous on twitch you get donations. if you get famous on instagram you get sponsors. if you get famous on twitter you get your tweets crossposted to every other social media with your @ cropped out
If you’re having a bad day , just remember …
All of you are funnier than Dane Cook .
gen z: what’s the next generation gonna be called?
scientist: [nervously] ahaha you’re not the last one
gen z: what
scientist: what
at my local diner ordering eggs “gorilla” style and refusing to explain further
A horror movie, but it’s just me afraid to go into the kitchen after the kids made cookies by themselves for the first time
Breakfast Club: don’t you forget about me
Fight Club: forget you have a whole other personality
I genuinely have no clue what other kids were doing during my childhood while I talked shit with the parents. my brother ran up to me one time and screamed “get your bike, we’re looking for frogs!”
are you insane? I’m trying to talk with Brent’s mom about her divorce.
Overwhelmed. Switching over to TikTok for a while to watch hot people do stupid stuff
[during sex]
her: call me names
me: george
my wife wants to take the kids out which would be great except she wants me to go too
There’s a line in 30 rock where Kenneth mentions that the mayor of his hometown is a female horse and I just today realized a female horse is called a mare. She’s the mare of the town.
Great acting.. 😂
People with house arrest ankle bracelets get so touchy when you compare them to a dog’s invisible fence.
I took my meds at someone’s house the other day and they asked if I needed to take them with carbs I said no, and it’s been days and I still wish I said yes so they would have given me carbs
I still think my biggest regret is asking a girl out, and replying “me too” after she told me she had a boyfriend
GF told me she wanted to write her “biography” & I said “autobiography” & now there’s a chapter where I sleep at my place.
Whenever I shut down my computer, it asks, “Are you sure you want to shut down your computer?” Then I wonder if it knows something I don’t.
A kid came up to me in the grocery store just now and loudly proclaimed, “Kale is my power vegetable! What’s your power vegetable?” I tried to come up with an answer but it was clear that I didn’t have one. They said, “It’s OK. I didn’t find my power vegetable until I was 6.”
Sometimes, when I’m washing my hair with coconut shampoo, I close my eyes and picture being on a remote tropical island, being cooked in a giant pot by canibals.
[crowd surfs up to the lead singer] can u skip the new album stuff
I’m doing it doggy style today. Lying on the couch not doing a damn thing. I will bark if you knock on the door.
Sex is a lot like Twin Peaks: I’m not 100% sure what’s going on, but I like it.
If we were in a fight, I’d mop the floor with you…
Except I don’t do housework.
My 3yo asked me if she could shave the window and it took me a couple minutes to figure out that she wanted to use the squeegee.
Went to buy face moisturizer and the young girl at counter said, “Lets find something for mature skin.”
And then Security had to escort me.
My local cinema was broken into last night and goods worth £15,000 stolen: a packet of popcorn and a medium Coke.
*writes on wall in ketchup*
THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS HAS BEEN OPENEDBoss: What the hell are you doing?
Me: Somebody ate my corndogs.
The wife told me to stop acting childish this morning and I really couldn’t say anything back, I wasn’t speechless I just had a whole donut in my mouth.