Can’t afford a cat? Duct tape 3 squirrels together, next question
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JUDGE: state your name for the court
ME: Juan
JUDGE: and your last
ME: Agofree
JUDGE: so, Juan Agofree?
ME: *bangs gavel* case dismissed
I’m gonna open a French fusion hotdog shop and call it:
“Oui-ners”
Divide and conquer? Ok. *opens calculator app*
I don’t like people driving fast… that’s the reason why I overtake them.
A cartoon by Sam Gross from 1998, in honor of our 90th Anniversary Book of Cartoons:
Scored a fantastic Christmas gift for my 11 yr old son today. A pass to the trampoline park with 99 visits! He will be thrilled!
However, I didn’t think this through. Someone now has to take him to said trampoline park. NINETY-NINE TIMES.
[in bed]
Husband: *gentle nudge* Hey…
Me: *removes ear plugs*
*removes sleeping mask*
*removes snoring strip*
*removes mouth guard*
Hey…
Husband: *sleeping*
date: I come from old money
me: *waving around a quarter from 1955* this doing anything for you
Turns out, you can live vicariously through anything if you try hard enough. Right now I’m a pumpkin being launched 1,000 feet across a field by a catapult at a Punkin Chunkin festival. Weeeee!
My kids don’t enjoy cleaning so much as they enjoy spraying cleaning supplies everywhere
Why does marriage have to be so hard?
My wife: Where did you get this number?
I’m paranoid AND needy: I think people are talking about me, but not as much as I’d like.
doctor: I have bad news and ambiguous news
me: what’s the ambiguous news?
doctor: one of us is dying
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me-
Me: [takes all of my laundry out of the dryer without dropping any of it on the floor]
Shania Twain: oh shit wow
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
Them: We don’t know enough to panic.
My Anxiety: Amateur!
Hurry everyone! While Canada is getting baked out of their mind today, I think we can rush in and take all the maple syrup and free health care we can carry.
A small toddler is the closest thing you can have to a Pokémon. It follows you around, you love it dearly, no one else can understand what it’s saying, and it is obedient only when it wants to be. The main difference is that training it to fight other toddlers is frowned upon
I’m gonna go my whole life without knowing my blood type I swear to god. like I’m gonna end up in an ambulance one day and the paramedic’s gonna ask me what my blood type is and my dumbass is gonna be like “idk lol red”
before you call me an idiot consider this: i know
It’s very important, every few days, to take a break from social media walk outside and throw up on people in person.
Good morning.
I hope the hot young mom across the street stops mowing the lawn soon. I don’t want my husband having any inappropriate thoughts, like I might start doing yard work.
Remember: when you kiss someone’s elbow, you’re also kissing the gut of every person they’ve ever elbowed.
Congrats on your beautiful newborn, one day you will look under her bed and know why you have ants.
My favorite state to visit?
Unconsciousness
[cool person follows me]
me: ok I gotta bring my A game now it’s only good tweets from here
me 5 mins later: horses r just big dogs ?
The years 2045. 90s kids are old &wrinkly. Grandma tosses seeds to pigeons “Go insane go insane throw sum glitter make it rain” she whispers
My friend is really mad that the same team keeps winning her local pub quiz so she’s recruiting literally everyone can think of to join hers because they don’t have team size limits, and I can’t wait for her to become the reason they implement team size limits.