I wouldn’t walk 500 miles and then walk 500 more for anyone. I’d drive across town though maybe.
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“I deleted that tweet because I’ve really grown as a writer in the past 7 minutes and it’s just not up to my current standards”
I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, ‘change color and escape in a cloud of ink’
YouTube DIY videos be like “turn this $1 pallet into a beautiful dining table with 14 thousand dollars worth of tools”
I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.
it was easy to be a drug dealer in the 60s because dogs weren’t invented until 1978
Life was so barbaric in the olden days. Imagine hitting snooze on a rooster.
It took a full year of homeschooling but I managed to teach my children how little I know.
*high fives my therapist*
“At least you tried.”
[table of 6 year olds in lab coats]
How are we supposed to find a cure for cooties if we
*bangs fist on table*
CAN’T EVEN FIND WALDO?!
horse: these pants fit me perfectly
sales clerk: very good sir
horse: *quietly* I’ll need two pairs
sales clerk: *discretely* of course
Me: So Christ’s body is the bread?
Priest: yes
Me: and he rose from the grave
Priest: yes…
Me: because of the yeast?
Priest: no
Me: okay, none of this makes sense
Apollo: everyone in favour of hunting the cyclopes, say aye
[universe where we use wormholes to deliver food]
*a potato flies thru the wormhole and hits my son Blent in the face*
Me: stay sharp Blent
Dude! Stop being such a baby, man up, walk over there and ask her if she like, ‘like-likes’ me.
Well, this is awkward
When she’s rage-cleaning the house, I help out by waiting until she starts to lose momentum before asking her what’s for dinner.
Oh wow, she’s so whimsical and fun. Ope, I’m wrong. She’s just plastered in the middle of the day.
“Daddy, I want to watch Dora.” Sweetie this is Dora. It’s the one where she plays an NBA basketball game against the Brooklyn Nets
Ok, time to dust off the Christmas decorations. One year I must try taking them down.
I need a job folding towels that pays $40 an hour.
One of my buddies lost his right arm in a car accident which is a huge bummer, so much money wasted on tattoos
“shark infested waters”…. you mean their home????😭
Me: Forever young!
Persistent middle age chin hair: lol nope.
Muscle pulled when reaching for the tv remote: hahaha.
Horrifically awaiting the day all the shampoo bottles in my shower decide to squeeze me back.
Goat cheese is for herders.
Fun Fact: Every hour of daylight savings is kept in a subterranean vault in Colorado. Once every four years, they release them all, and that’s how we get a leap day.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks”
This is a funeral. Show some respect.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks, sir.”
“You’re going out with that boy again? He’s no good.”
“Relax, grandma.”
*furiously knits a condom*
“Grandma, that’s not how it works.”
I can explain a lot of things in Manchester but I can’t explain this 😭
Me: read me my Miranda rights
Cop: you have a right to be the smart one. You have a right to finally realize Steve is the one for you. If you do not have a Steve, one may be provided for you
Me: now read me my Samantha rights
Cop [sighs]: you have a right to be the sexy one…