My son said that he was bored so I told him he could vacuum, dust or clean the kitchen & Oh! Look at that!
He’s nowhere to be found.
You Might Also Like
You don’t love me. You just love my Looney Tunes jean jacket
Daniel L. you can do this but you will need many more owls
[taking out wet laundry]
me: finally everything’s clean!
that one wet sock: where’s the shittiest bit of floor I can land on?
Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I’ve learned that I don’t need to use so many paper towels, and they’re expensive.
OK doomscrolling is bad but have you SEEN the quality of the doom this week?
peak technology
Shake what your momma gave you.
*shakes unemployed brother*
My daughter insisted she wanted a snowball fight in the dark so we waited till the sun set, got our torches out and ran around laughing and freezing in the garden. When I asked her if she’d had fun, she looked me in the eyes and said “no mummy, it was dark”
They made everything too expensive I have no choice but to become a rich celeb now
“it’s just like riding a bicycle”
Oh cool the one vehicle I’ve crashed the most
Don’t open any messages you get from me. I’m not hacked, I’m just really mean
If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday – it’s because they’ve just killed someone right?
i like to try new things in the bedroom like getting a full 8 hours of sleep.
Two ill-tempered people return from a fractious trip to the grocery store, driving through an Old Testament downpour, and neither having changed the battery in the garage door opener.
Your prospects for a pleasant day are excellent because they have absorbed all the anger in…
Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.
Take that, diet!
And that!
And that!-Me eating Oreos
My favorite part of a date is the sweet, seedy flesh. Wait, sorry, that’s my favorite part of a fig, I always get figs and dates mixed up.
GUY WHO INVENTED THE PHOTOGRAPH: I invented the photograph!
GUY WHO HATES THE GUY WHO INVENTED PHOTOGRAPHS AND IS ABOUT TO INVENT PUZZLES: Cool can I see that?
Sure, Billy Joel can make love to his tonic and gin but when I do it, I get a PH imbalance and a lifetime ban from my favourite bar.
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck.
Establish dominance by dying while you have out of town guests.
You are the toothpaste to my orange juice.
Considering our obsessions with cats and emojis, the internet really is the new ancient Egypt.
[prison]
PRISONER: what’s for breakfast
GUARD: every meal is bread & water
PRISONER: [is a duck] oh baby
I live by 2 simple rules:
1. Don’t treat people like shit.
2. If any melted cheese gets on your paper plate, you must also eat the plate.
The Roomba keeps going right past a piece of garbage without picking it up. It’s one of the family now.
Watching two people at work argue about who put the empty milk back in the fridge when it was me.
Kids be like “I owe you $5, would you like it all in quarters?”
I can’t lose weight, that’s where all my fattitude is
I’m by far not the best person but by far the worst thing I’ve ever done is accidentally touch the mailman through my house’s mail slot. I have never before heard the sort of noise he made after reaching into what he hoped was the cold embrace of a mail slot and finding a hand.