[introducing myself to new boyfriends parents]
“Hi, I usually don’t make it this far”
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Dog: *turning in circles before she lays down*
Me: [extreme Ross voice] Pivot… Pi-VOT… PIVOT!
Wife to 4yo: How did you get your shirt so dirty?!
4yo: Because lunch.
Got kicked out of the bank for taking too many lollipops.
Don’t pay your taxes. Get sent to a cool ass prison. Boom, now taxes pay you. Life hack.
Carpenter Ants: Very industrious
Army Ants: Extra militant
Fire Ants: Drop dope AF mixtapes
For sale: 1 brain, only dropped once, OW, dammit, ok twice
EXPLORER: so we found all this new land
KING: Sweet What did you name it?
E: Newfoundland
K[rubbing bridge of nose]: Guards, execute him
*Michael Cera presses too hard with a crayon and breaks his wrist*
MTV is shutting down, which really doesn’t affect me much now, but my teenage self is completely devastated.
You strike me as one of those people who show up and debunk all the fun in the last 2 minutes of an otherwise scintillating UFO TV program.
In every scary movie an entity is always coming through a “doorway”.
I’m just sitting here waiting for a dope demon to come through a 90’s bead curtain.
SON: I was awarded the Leslie Nielsen badge at school
ME: What’s that?
SON: A big building with lots of kids
“I want to swim with an overweight, rich white guy before I die.”
– Dolphin bucket list.
a former teacher who loved saying “lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine” just reached out to me about getting comp tickets to a show of mine because she didn’t realize it would sell out.
wellllllllllllllllllllll well well well WELL.
Ever since Facebook allowed images in their comments sections people only ever communicate via pictures. We’re 21st-century cavemen.
Why did the chicken go to the gym?
To work on his pecks.
I can’t decide if it’s amazing or terrifying that my two oldest children managed to stop arguing long enough to come up with a secret handshake.
[my coffin lowering into the grave]
wait guys shouldn’t I be dead
[coffin starts lowering faster]
God: Don’t eat that Apple. You can smoke this plant I made instead
[20 min later]
Adam: Sooo hungry
Eve: Me too
Adam: That apple looks good
I can’t wait until we don’t have to wear masks, because I’m having a hard time deciphering the level of disappointment in the face of the woman I’m talking to.
Trying to use the phone’s flashlight to look inside its own charging port.
Grasping the ungraspable with Gorilla Glue. Now it’s mine. Forever. Oh.
I do this weird thing where I feel fabulous then I have to get out of bed
Have my doubts about this “smart water,” considering how easily it’s captured and bottled.
I shutter to think of all the things my neighbors have seen me do through their blinds.
Who called it “online shopping while sitting on the toilet”
And not “buyarrhea”
Given the memory span of a goldfish…
*i walk over to a coworker who is singing along with a song on the radio, gently put my hand on their shoulder & whisper*
no
I know parents should inspire kids to be anything when they grow up. But my son took 1 hour to eat a banana, so competitive eating is out.
Just looked up my son’s search history.
Sure hope he learned a lot about girl’s Virginias.