Joked to my kid that he ate too many skittles and I wouldn’t buy him any for 10 years, and he responded with, oh so I can’t have them again until you’re 50, and now we’re both mad.
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smh
I’m gonna leave this world just like I came in, dawg!
“Yo, for sure. Kickin and screamin!”
Nah, brah. On a giant spaceship.
If you’re ever chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, over a little seesaw and through a hoop of fire.
They’re trained for that.
sorry i’m late, i have terrible time management skills and zero perception of distance as it pertains to speed of travel
*yells from space*
Did you kill that spider?!
[my first day at Marvel Comics]
Me: [calling my mom] I already created a new superhero!
Boss: [bursting into my office, furious] who tf is the Couscousinator?!
Cool I just discovered I can speak my tweets into my phone exclamation mark
[road trip]
ME: I’m hungry, let’s stop and eat
FRIEND: I see a 24 hour breakfast place
ME: You idiot, we don’t have that kind of time
If you want my opinion ask my wife
Between hating pork and launching themselves into enemy structures, Al Qaeda were the original Angry Birds.
Pro tip:
Ensure that you never have to spend the holidays at your mother-in-law’s again by telling her that her cooking tastes “institutional.”
I think the main issue with ‘The Hunger Games’ is that while her life is at stake, boy problems are still presented as legitimate threats.
Fly wife: Notice anything?
Fly husband: …
Fly wife: Seventeen thousand eyes and not one spots my new haircut
ME: I promise it will be different this time
THE BOOKS I NEVER READ: *throwing the flowers I brought into the compost*
“WHAT ARE YOU KIDS DOING IN THERE?”
*stomps feet to pretend I’m going towards that room*
me: “youre serving Blue Curacao? so its a boy! congrats man!”
friend: “for the third time, this is not a gender reveal party and please stop drinking the Windex. i think it is causing permanent damage”
me: “so, have you picked any names yet?”
It’s unfortunate that our feet can’t taste things because there’s so much potential in flavored socks and crocs.
ADELE: hello from the outside
ME (closing blinds): a restraining order means nothing to that woman
Enhanced interrogation idea:
If waterboarding isn’t working, try having my mother brush their hair.
*Makes sure the new girl at work sees how much pineapple I eat at lunch*
*winks*
The most embarrassing thing about mistaking pilates class for pirates class is concealing my musket.
I’m not gaining weight, I’m “retaining candy.”
Why are there so many songs about love but none about a turtle chasing you in your kayak
Happy Lunch to those who celebrate!
likes 853 pics in your media, don’t make this awkward boo.
Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space
Dog Astronaut: wait the what now
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
Professor: There’s no such thing as stupid questions
Me: *clears throat
ME: If I go to bed now, I’ll be rested for the big meeting tomorrow.
INSOMNIA: The world is just waiting for you to start a blog.
You ever pump your gas slowly on purpose so no one realizes you only had $3 on you