If you get an email at work from my cat with an attachment delete it
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Due to personal reasons, I’ll only act surprised by the same information 7 times tops
I saw your link on Facebook.
What happened next will blow your mind…….I didn’t open it.
Me: *smoking* you were fabulous
Burrito: thank you
In my daydreams I’m majestic, like a hippo ballerina, but in reality, I’m a rhinoceros breakdancer.
Him: You’ll always be the one that got away. Me: Escaped. Him: What? Me: I said Thanks.
Text:
OMG! I can’t believe you tweet such
vile, offensive, filthy, sick things.
You should be removed from society.
GET HELP!Love Mom XO
Last night, I took a sip of water and a spider crawled on my lip! I no longer drink water, have lips or live here.
SORRY MISTER, BUT MOM SAYS I CAN’T GET IN YOUR VAN UNLESS THE CANDY’S SUGAR-FREE.
When my wife wanted to have a second child – her exact words were “it’s just rinse and repeat”.
To this day that’s still the funniest joke she’s ever told.
the neighborhood teens have left so many burning bags of garbage on my lawn that everyone thinks that this is the place you burn garbage now
Don’t believe everything you read on a Mayan stone carving
Opened the oven door after breakfast was done to let the warm air out into the kitchen because we already paid for that heat.
[interview]
THEM: what would you say if i gave you money from the register and told you to keep it?
ME: thank you.
Friend: I’m pregnant
Me: You should have just got a dog
Dear God, please turn my whistling coworker into a bird so he can fly far, far far away from here.
Feng shui consultant: The refrigerator shouldn’t be next to the couch.
Me: You’re fired.
[in line for coffee]
Me (in my head): hi I’d like a caramel macchiato please. hi can I get a caramel macchiato? hi, I’d like one-
Barista: NEXT!
Me: Hello, um, I’d like one, uhhh *stumbling* carnival avocado
Me (in my head): god dammit
(At the dentist)
‘Your grinding isn’t good.’
Excuse me! I’ve never had a man complain before.
Comcast: “Would you like to upgrade your Internet service to include cable?”
Me: “No thanks, the illegal downloading has that base covered.”
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
My dream job is getting paid to dream
If you’re about to be attacked by a bear, just dress up as a pirate. It won’t help you survive but it’ll make an interesting headline.
[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me not
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
*signing sign in sheet*
(to myself): This will be worth a lot once I’m famous.
Hospital Nurse: Alright let’s get that pea out of your ear.
ME: (signing) What color are apples?
BOBO THE GORILLA: (signing) Please free me from this prison
ME: (writing) Still struggling with colors
HR: Do you use the visualization exercises from the anger management class?
Me: Yes, I picture a swarm of bees attacking co-workers.
Husband: *gives me two pancakes*
Me: Hey! These paper plates say they hold up to 2 lbs of food.
Husband: And?
Me: Keep stacking, buddy.
Dear predictive text,
I am tired of sending people “Thanksgiving” when they send me a recipe or directions.
Shout out to whichever childless person invented toys that erupt in an epic sound and light show when you toss em in the toy box at night.