“You’re saying it’s all an act?
Chewbacca: Indubitably, my good man.
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I hope George Clooney dumps his wife so he and Brad Pitt can finally be happy together.
A survival horror where Mr. & Mrs. Potato Head blunder into a Five Guys
#FoundAtGrandmasHouse
Grandpa’s welcome sign
I just bet a hyena £1000 that he couldn’t swim across a river and now he’s laughing all the way to the bank.
if Barbie’s elbows or knees bend when she puts on clothes i’m out
“Ladies, calm down. Girlfriend, wife, whatever. The important thing is that between the 2 of you, you brought enough to post my bail”
Life Hack: Let your toddler throw Cheez-Its down your heat vents so your house can smell like the home of your dreams
Cashier: Bag or plastic sir
Me: Neither
(scoops up forty items under my shirt and walks out)
True freaking story!
Family vacation is when you listen to your kids cry someplace expensive.
Once upon a time, a man poured himself a glass of red wine and sat down on his wife’s white couch that no one was allowed to eat or drink on…
FAMILY REUNION ORGANIZER: Thanks again for coming, it means a lot to us all.
FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER: I’m sorry I gotta run, but I have like 3 more of these just this week.
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want.
Me: I want you to fix the kitchen faucet.
[pokes your baby with a stick]
what’s it do?
Every work call, he judges.
Never give your address or date of birth to anyone on social media.
Armed with this information, they could show up at your birthday party.
Sign at work today
—Interviewer: Do you have any special skill that can benefit our company?
Me:
CIVIL WAR SPOILER: A lot of people in the South still don’t know they lost.
You’re an adult now. Stop lying about your life on Facebook and start doing it on LinkedIn
[Gender reveal party]
Me: I don’t get it. Are they having a Smurf?
Wife: Shutup and eat your cake.
Not recommended for beginners.
[quietly] “Always a bridesmaid never the bride”
BRIDE: Hey, you’re not one of my bridesmaids!
“Shhh…this day is about you, not me.”
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills?
me: yes that number is zero
“Hardly ever used. Ex husband was busy riding other things.” 👀
If you factor in “supply and demand”… she DOES NOT want the D.
There is so much D trying to go around, not even the alphabet wants the D.
Idea: a neck tattoo that depicts a man having an unsuccessful job interview because of his neck tattoo