[PRESS CONFERENCE]
Me: I’m going on the record. Yes, I’d go back in time to kill a baby
Reporter: you mean Baby Hitler?
Me: sure, whoever
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Reverse cowboy is when you scatter the herd and actively promote bandits and wolves to take what they will.
Court clerk: Are you here about your hearing?
Me: No my hearing’s fine, I think it’s that murder I did
Applied for a “meditation class” but missed out the first T on the enrolment form, so now I’m studying to be a marriage guidance counsellor.
Typos are dangerous, you guys.
My mind: You’re 18…
My body: …minutes from death.
Me: how about a sexy rendezvous?
Him: did you just pronounce it ren-dezz-vuss?
Me: we’re texting
Him: I heard it
How to fall downstairs……
Step 1
Step 6
Step 9,10,11,12
True.
It’s like the only thing my kids learned from Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.
Thou shalt not winky face smiley another man’s twitter crush.
-Emojenesis 8:15
What if, instead of candy we give out things we no longer want, like a scratched up non-stick pan
I wanna look like a snack this summer but I keep eating them
no one ever talks about the cheerful reaper.
not sure if Ambien makes you tweet racist stuff but I can confirm pairing Makers Mark with Hot Pockets at 1AM will make you ‘like’ all of your high school crush’s Facebook photos
7: so those people think belle is weird because she’s walking around?
me: i guess so
7: and because she likes books?
me: um…yeah
7: but at least she’s pretty right?
me: …let’s watch moana instead
You totally had me at “I want you” and I was so excited, I completely missed the ” To leave me alone” part….Sorry my bad.
I think we figured out which one was Destiny’s child.
A taco bell would actually crack almost immediately so that’s a stupid name
I like to play my cello on the beach, but I only know 2 notes and for some reason it freaks everyone out.
DATE: did I say something to upset you?
ME: *stabbing my pasta extra hard with my fork* everyone is entitled to their opinion about the best ninja turtle, Karen
God: you’re a llama.
Llama: I look ridiculous.
God: why do you say that?
Llama: I look like a giraffe made love to a sheep.
God: that’s not true.
Llama: i’m a giraffe sheep : (
God: [under breath] more like a drama llama.
not to brag but i finished this 14 day diet in 3 hours and 38 minutes.
Dogs lick each other’s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians
[pulled over]
COP 1: any drugs or alcohol in the car?
ME: no
COP 2: told you he was a nerd
ME: nuh uh I have so much drugs
COP 1: lol gotcha
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
I’m fine, doctor. My heart rate was elevated because I was thinking about tacos
Mornin
I’m not like other girls, I know when I’m being irrational. I don’t let it stop me, but still
I bet a lot of guys who don’t think that rape is a big deal were super upset when that U2 album was put on their phone without consent.
Pros of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Cons of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
me: sorry this place is such a mess
her: it’s my house