Times I’ve served soup with my ladle: 0
Times I’ve been prevented from opening/closing a drawer by my ladle: 18,971
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“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I?
I took a nap until I finally heard a car coming.”
Hey neighbor…
Hope you…
Don’t mind…
Me borrowing…
Your…
Trampoline…
nurse: do u want a pill for anxiety
me: no need i already have it
“Come reckon with me bro.”
-Force
Mom: “Don’t wind the dog up”
Me:
me: my cat’s stuck in a tree!
fire department: sorry sir, but right now we’re only responding to fires
me: ok gimme a sec
Once a year, I put 16 spiders in my husband’s mouth while he sleeps bc
-Let’s get this over with
-He can eat mine
-I really miss Fear Factor
Fire at the cannabis dispensary. Witnesses described it as super chill.
One man has two TCs, an ex with a troll account & a girlfriend who knows his passcode. How long does this man have to live?
Show your work.
[buying shoes for our kids]
her: which do you like better
me: idk probably our daughter
Probably my best painting.
*lets out a blood curdling scream* HELP MY BLOOD IS CURDLING
I am a fountain of wisdom for those who thirst for knowledge.
“Listen to your body?” dude my body reflexively blows on yogurt just because I’m eating it with a spoon
Sir, your wife was stabbed ten times, but the missing piece is the murder weapon. So far we have nothing, Mr *checks notes* Scissorhands.
me: [having a normal conversation but also wondering if bees consider us thieves or business associates]
[I open my lunchbox to find flask of whisky]
But that means….
[Cut to my 4 y/o opening her lunchbox to find a flask of whisky]
You can be 30+ years old with children of your own and your parents will tell you not to eat too much ice cream because you threw up once when you were 8
Friend: How are you doing?
Me *reading a book about the identification & use of medicinal plants, so that I have a viable apocalypse skill to barter on the offchance of a complete societal breakdown* Fine.
ICYMI: Yesterday, MarineLand Canada sent the police to my house because I tweeted “Life is short. Steal a walrus”. Vid or it didn’t happen? Ok:
Ughhhh my neck is killing me ..
*how I slept
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
Recipes that call for cheese are always 2 cups short.
guy: excuse me, can you jump my car
me: *tying shoes* probably how tall is it
guy: no like-
me: *handing phone* take a video
I hate cars with no Tint get me outta this water bottle 😡😡
there had to be at least one guy in Troy who looked at the Trojan horse and was like “oh my god do not bring that wooden piece of shit in here”
My top 3 assumptions when doorbell rings:
1. Murderer
2. Police telling me everyone is dead
3. That book I ordered about positive thinking
Gloria Gaynor: Go on now, go! Walk out the door! Just turn around now because you’re not welcome anymore
Hotel California manager: Gloria, a word