Men are almost twice as likely to tell pollsters that they have a plan for the zombie apocalypse than women. Often before the pollsters even ask.
You Might Also Like
That 0.1% of bacteria that no household product can kill is what will inherit our earth
[zoo]
ME: Haha…this one’s face!
WIFE: Tha-
M [bangs on glass]
W: Stop it
M [pulls funny face]
W [elbows me aside] So sorry, 2 tickets pls
If you hate being single, imagine being with someone who sets 10 alarms to wake up each day and sleeps through every one of them.
me: I’ve finally reached the tipping point
waitress: oh thank god!
I’d walk over cotton balls for you
ME: this is Inky my pet octopus, Stompy my elephant and Mr Butters my horse
FRIEND: the horse isn’t Hoofy or something?
ME: grow up Kalvin
According to my wife’s new feng shui consultant, I need to move out.
If I had a husband, I wouldn’t give him my address. Some things should be private.
Whenever I’m upset with my dog for acting up, I remind her which one of us is the owner and then we laugh and laugh.
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *backseat full of penguins* Um, I’m guessing the aquarium called?
What is a Sherpa?
“Let me summit up for you.”
*Salesman smashes through window into living room* Evening, folks. Are you in the market for a new window?
Any ghost sophisticated enough to haunt a hotel is going to find the 13th floor whether you have an elevator button for it or not.
I keep rearranging my home office just to throw off everyone on the work video calls.
Drunk on Twitter: Omg what an awesome idea!
Morning after on Twitter: Jesus Christ I’m gonna have to leave here now.
This idiot from Apple reckons that the “Temperature, iPhone needs to cool down” warning message has nothing to do with all my hot selfies
My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.
Her: Hi hun.
Atilla: [under breath] I told you not to call me that in front of the men. It might stick.
Not my fault the petting zoo never specified what I was supposed to pet
Me: You need to eat vegetables instead of candy if you want to be tall.
4-year-old: I’ll just be small and happy.
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “Uhm… she didn’t like me.”
Let your kids play tetris all day so they develop the required skills to park at Trader Joe’s.
date: I think we’ve actually met before
picasso: sorry I’m not good with faces
Went to back to school night and saw a poem my daughter wrote and she said our house was clean so now she gets cupcakes for dinner.
netflix 2 days after a new show comes out: “the show has already been watched for one trillion minutes, making it the most successful entertainment property in human history, which is why we’re sharing the news with a heavy heart that it has not been renewed for a second season”
Kids eat free today? Nice… In that case, I’ll have a water and my son will have the steak and shrimp combo with a kids bud light.
Maybe Kate Middleton ran away with me. You don’t know.
“Hey, wanna lie to each other over cups of coffee?” – First dates
(kids playing upstairs)
*loud crash*
Me: *slowly gets off the couch to take a look at everything we own*
Overheard: “My dad froze my account and I only had $4 in my pocket last night so I went to the Sunoco and bought 3 scratch offs and won $15 so guess who’s going out tonight”