We need a “your body is changing” talk for people turning 40.
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*Salem 1692*
Witch: I’m not a witch!
Judge: Look, if we’re being honest, you’re on trial for being a woman. Don’t make this weird
My ex recently asked me if I wanted to be “Friends with Benefits” which is so psycho like dude I am a woman in her 30s, you can’t ask me something like that….I absolutely do not want new friends.
My mom making me come say hi to somebody I “knew” as a baby
“Please hold. Your call is important to us.”
*writes novel*
*gets medical degree*
*walks from coast to coast*“Please continue to hold…”
Me at home: Why isn’t there more kindness in the world?
Me while driving: I hate every single person on this planet.
Just met Darth Vader’s very corrupt brother – Taxi Vader.
Sometimes I wonder why kids are so angry and then I remember how hard it is for them to get alcohol
Remember to practice self-care: Take a walk, meditate, try yoga, paint a picture, murder someone, burn a body, clean a crime scene…
Being a mom means always wondering where that pee smell came from
Fun bible fact: No records exist of Jesus’ life from age 12 to 30 because he was backpacking across Europe with his pet Pterodactyl
You never forget the first 800 people you sacrifice to Satan.
You know those lines you see painted on parking lots? I know this will come as a shock to some of you, but you’re supposed to park between them.
Kids: We’re bored.
Me: Here’s a dime. Call someone who cares.
Kids: What?
Me: When I was a kid that was an insult.
Kids: Why?
Me: We had phones you had to put coins-
Kids: Why wouldn’t you just text them for free?
Me: So we didn’t have textin-
Kids: OMG HOW OLD ARE YOU
ME: [opening present from kids] Partially eaten chocolate coins?
KIDS: You said you wished you had hundreds of bit coins!
ME: [hiding pain of crippling debt] Haha I love it
Watching tv with 4 and now he knows the word crescent.
All I learned as a kid was how hard to hit a cat with a frying pan without killing it
Why couldn’t the Italian chef open the door?
Because he had gnocchi
*quietly waits for the reply guys
Okay back to it and remember, you can’t say anger without saying grrrr
If you know, you know
we all know this pain all too well
Considered selling feet and/or leg pics but then I realized I’d have to actually shave and ain’t nobody got time for that
I’m Phoenician, as in, “Nobody better stop me from Phoenician all of these donuts.”
We spent $12,775 on daycare last year, for anyone currently using the pull out method.
Pirate Clark Kent: *takes off eye patch*
Pirate Lois Lane: OMG
Dear Stephen Hawking,
You’re not the boss of us.
Sincerely,
hawks
Apparently when your spouse asks you “what would you like your Secret Santa to get you?”, “laid” isn’t an appropriate answer.
Hornets: they’re terrified of us. Our name is fine.
Murder Hornets: ok boomer
If you’re pulled over, wait for the cop to lean down to your window, then use their vulnerability to give them a quick peck on the cheek
Float like a malevolent entity. Sting like a priest throwing holy water at you.