My timeline is flooded with ads for push up bras. I know I’m out of shape but that’s just mean, Twitter.
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Them: are you sad because you eat or do you eat because you’re sad?
Me: *takes long, slow drag of egg roll* look kid…
Attention: All employees will be required to bring their own toilet paper until further notice.
-Management
wtf are you supposed to do when maintenance people come over your house? do I stand there and tell him he’s doing a good job?
did I “kill a plant” or did the plant not have what it takes to thrive in this fast-paced environment
[wife calling make-a-wish foundation]
he says he’s “dying from ennui” does that count
I am always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank.
When people put pics of their vacation on FB I write: I saw fire trucks outside your house but I’m sure you already know, have a great time!
Don’t you just hate it when you have a day off to relax by the pool and enjoy a well-stocked pantry but then your neighbour comes home early and threatens to call the cops?
12: Alexa is so annoying! I have to say everything 5 times before she does what I want her to do.
Me, looking at the full garbage that I asked my son to take out 4 times: I know the feeling.
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
Me: are you doodling?
My kid:
My kid: idk I just saw you coming in and tried to look busy
Mother Paper Bag: We need to talk.
Teen Bag: *removes earbud* What?
M: Your father was plastic.
T: But –
M: It’s true. You’re a mixed bag.
5: What’s for dinner? Probably something gross like last time. So, what’s for gross dinner?
Me: I’m having pasta but I no longer know what you’ll be eating
Argue with me at your own risk. I have cutting comebacks a week later when I’m in the shower.
Me: I’m going to the grocery store…any suggestions?
9yo: [doesn’t look up from kindle]
7yo: I don’t care
Husband: Just get whatever[3 hrs later]
9yo: Aww, I like the other kind of rice.
7yo: Hey, why didn’t you get waffles?
Husband: *bewildered* You didn’t get granola bars?
My wife says I’m too trusting. At least he says he’s my wife.
How To Write: get as distracted as possible for as long as possible until you are driven to start typing by an overpowering sense of shame.
I’ll sleep when I’m dead but also every night so I don’t die.
Your parents taught you to wash your hands after you pee. My parents taught me not to pee on my hands in the first place.
[introducing my children]
…and these cuties here are the 3 times I tried sex
To all the men who keep dming me “hello” – I don’t speak English. I thought that was painfully obvious from my tweets, but I’m writing another one just to let you know.
I made a grown man cry today in court.
But yet I can’t get my kids to clean their damn rooms.
u could put a horse in a time machine and send it to any era and the horse’s life would literally be the same
There’s always that one guy
me: my father shall hear of this
them: is he powerful and wealthy?
me: no we’re just close
Be warned: there’s a proper legend on the streets of Brighton.
Me: “I’d like to pay by card.”
Waiter: “Contactless?”
Me: “No, you can cuddle me.”
Bad is when you finish the dishes then see a few more things to wash. Worse is when your wife is there so you can’t say you didn’t see them.
not interested in dating apps, not interested in talking to random people in coffee shops/bars/shops… need my soulmate to find me through intuition and echo location rn immediately
me and my fake scenarios