5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
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I mix up the Marvel and DC universes on purpose just for the angry sex
If you carry a clipboard, you can call it “research” instead of stalking.
Me: you know, it’s only psychosis if it’s from the psychosuisse region of France. otherwise, it’s just sparkling delusions
Nurse: ma’am, it’s time for your medication
“What’s your band name?”
“The Who”
“The band?”
“Not The Band, The Who”
“Please don’t make me guess who”
“Not The Guess Who. The Band is a band but we’re the band The Who”
“May I have some of your drugs?”
If my mobile provider started charging 3 times as much as their nearest competitor but there was no voicemail, I’d still stay with them.
Girlfriend Parents: so how did you meet our daughter?
Me: we met at a nickelback conc-
Gf: [covers my mouth] we met on tinder
* on a date snuggling *
Me: Did you enjoy dinner?
Her: Yeah, but now I feel fat.
Me: Get your hands off my belly.
Your name is Jeff with a G? Jeffg? Ok
Without freedom of speech we wouldn’t know who the idiots are!
Kids, because why would you want to sleep on more than 6 inches of your king size bed?
I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.
I have the dance moves of a dog with mittens on its paws.
I want to live in a world where the plural of moose is mooses.
I just did my budget for June. If I don’t buy food … I won’t need toilet paper.
I think I’m on to something here.
A couple introduced me to their new born baby, “Herriot,” and I was like oh wow how old is she, 87?
I’m not in my prime, I’m in my amazon prime. You’ll get what you want from me about 2 days after you ask for it.
*disguises myself as a baby so people throw cheese at me*
Going to a Kenny G concert must feel like being on hold for two hours.
Never doubt a Woman with an extensive vocabulary.
I accidentally bought a pair of nose-cancelling headphones and now my glasses keep falling off.
this is how it feels as a teacher when a student complains about school
As a kid one Christmas Eve I set out dog biscuits instead of cookies and it turned out Santa was not a jolly old elf. Not. At. All.
People are like, “How cute! Your dog looks just like you!” I’m like, “That’s my son.”
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.
A cashier was giving me my change and said “have a good…” then looked at my face and said “…sleep.” This seriously just happened
Restaurant Customer: clarified butter please
Waiter: (points to butter) THIS IS BUTTER
Me: I’m shy
Tequila: Not anymore
coworker: you’re driving the wrong way! the office is the other way
me: *smacks bungee cords attached to my car* my goals are beyond your understanding
Woman on bus just pulled her mask down to cough.