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me: *offering joint* wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: first time we’ve seen a giraffe eat a human
This guy must really want to impress me with his endurance skills. Because when I asked if he wanted a ride, he said “No thanks I’ll walk”
Chefs seem obsessed with removing more and more of the original structure of foods:
Salmon mousse
Basil foam
Strawberry dust
Parmesan airWhere does it end?
Venison déjà vu
A memory of broccoli
A vicious rumour about carrots
My boss used to call me “the computer”. Nothing to do with intelligence. I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.
I just ruined my 5 year olds’ entire life by using the wrong shade of yellow for the sun
Yay parenting
“Some people call me the space cowboy, some call me the gangster of love. Some people call me Maurice, cause…”
Barista: I’m writing “Mo”.
Your Game of Thrones name is your biggest fear spelled backwards plus the profession your guidance counselor suggested. Mine is Snwolc Clown
Him: I’m making you Produce Manager.
Me: A PLUM assignment!
H: …
M: You’re a PEACH!
H: …
M: Do I start today or TOMATO?
H: You’re fired.
a pizza is basicaly a real-time pie chart of how much pizza i am going to eat
My 9 year old ran away for an hour and by the time he came back my wife had already turned his bedroom into a yoga studio.
[first day as a doctor]
Me: We’re going to need to amputate your legPatient: It’s only a sore throat!
Me: I just really want to try out my new saw
Sorry I sprayed bug spray in your face. Those fake eyelashes scared the hell out of me.
People who say the Napster guy invented music piracy forget the time I stole my sister’s Violent Femmes CD when I was 13.
The Scarecrow didn’t have the brains, Tin Man didn’t have the heart, and the Lion didn’t have the courage. So Dorothy remained a virgin.
I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it
– me, plugging in a USB
The only thing I know about Downton Abbey is that everyone looks as if they smell like the bottom of my Nana’s purse.
[creating the armadillo]
GOD: I want a half turtle,
ANGEL: Okay
G: Half pig,
A: Okay, I’m on it-
G: Half anteater
A: …Are u drunk
G: Very
Being a mom means being the first one up in the morning, the last one to bed at night, and the only one drinking during church.
Is that a burrito in your pocket or are you happy to see me?
I’m cool if it’s a burrito.
Me: goodnight sweetheart
9: mummy!
Me: is it important
9: YES
Me: what’s up
9: do you think someone could live if they had organs and a skull but no other bones
My kid says that I make the best brownies in the world, so I told her that some day she can make brownies as good as mine and now I’m praying that Duncan Hines doesn’t go out of business before then
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
Them: if you could be any animal wha-
Me: rotisserie chicken
A “good parenting” blog followed me. Should I let them know how long ago that ship sailed?
I can’t take this anymore. I’m breaking into the zoo and throwing myself into the meerkat exhibit
Nice empty fish tank
It’d be a shame if someone were to FILL IT WITH SNAKES!
*the terrarium is invented*
I want to go on the record by saying I love my family but if I have to spend any longer with them you’ll be seeing me on the 6 o’clock news.
I like to play my cello on the beach, but I only know 2 notes and for some reason it freaks everyone out.
Coworker: I ran 5 miles at the gym this morning
Me: Why
Cashier: Your total is $2,334.00.
Me: Can you take off the avocado?
Cashier: Okay, that will be $2.00.