Friend: u around this weekend
Me: yep
F: to help me move
M: uh one sec *fake hold music* hey yeah, that was my doctor, bad news, I have died
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Dear stupid people, there’s a thin line between the upper and lower lip. Seal it !!
May God bless you with children who are incompetent at hiding evidence
[airport security]
wife: *fidgeting with wedding ring*
me: *emptying my cargo shorts pockets*
tsa agent:
tsa agent: why so many gameboys
[texting]
me: touching my duck n thinking of you
her: gross, go to hell
me: *patting my duck’s head* don’t worry quack sparrow, she didn’t mean it
Doctor: serious side effects of this medication can include death
Me: I’ll take it
[second week of being able to talk to animals]
omg you like food I get it
Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will no longer be eating cheese I don’t remember putting in my purse
Toddler: I want to go to bed with Thor & captain America
Me: me too kid, me too
They were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.
Just realized the Master Card logo is a Venn diagram.
I just need to go ahead and admit it.
I’m not mature enough to live in a state called Idaho
Twister 2:
Climate change makes tornadoes evolve.
They work together.
We can’t beat them.
We team up instead
The twisters destroy ISIS.
Just ate at a Japanese restaurant and the entire staff was Hispanic. I don’t know what is real anymore!
The average time it takes for an elderly woman to get her ringing cellphone out of her purse is 11 days.
I like how we say “vegan” now instead of “eating disorder”.
Fell on the stairs and I’m happy to report that my dog immediately came to rescue… the empty can of cat food in my hand.
*gets to heaven*
omg grandpa!!
grandpa: *charging at me* you wore a jean jacket to my funeral you piece of shit
“Why do you hate me?”
– me any time someone tells me I have to sleep on a futon
I only keep Facebook for the birthday reminders and to randomly unfriend people so they wonder what they did wrong.
My kids always seem to underestimate the length of my freakishly long arms when they start a fight while I’m driving.
A peacock is just a chicken made by Versace.
me:[drinking from a human skull]
him: is that full of blood?
me: don’t be gross [forgetting if his name is Robert or Roger] Robgert.
[camping]
Friend: You gonna put that tent up yourself?
Me: No, you sicko, under that tree.
One time dad asked what my five-year plan was, and I said “death or becoming a pirate king” and he threw my cat Alan at me
My husband’s birthday is soon and today I put a reminder on the calendar to buy him a gift.
Our shared calendar.
At least he already knows not to expect much.
Landlord: The lease said no murders! This is the biggest murder I’ve ever seen.
Crow tenant: *wasted* tell the world, you little shit.
Only death will keep me from you. Or cake. Or Netflix. Or kittens….hold on, I have a list.
Me: *runs up* if anyone asks, we’re friends. just be cool.
Dog: *wags tail*
Me: oh you’re good.