Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.
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Me: Sir, is this corn maze GMO free?
Him: It’s five dollars.
Grilled cheese is named after its creator, Grilliam Cheeseford Jr.
Cannot stress enough that Saint Valentine was also the patron saint of bees so even if you’re single you have plenty to celebrate today
Judging by the tweets, you guys all lead really interesting lies
me: ..but is it peri-NE-um or per-IN-eum?
priest: for the third time, confession does not need to be this specific
[on date]
HER: I cant see u anymore
ME (hiding under table): lol I know
H: no I mean I cant see u anymore
M (still under table): lol I know
[at the airport]
Customs: Do you have any drugs in your bag, Ma’am?
Me: Sure. What can I get you?
Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.
HER: What kind of music do you like?
ME: Hm. Imagine dragons.
HER: Okay.
ME: Cool. Now imagine them playing banjos with their claws.
[group therapy]
“I always feel unnoticed”
NINJA: I hear ya
CHAMELEON: Same
GUY WITH CAMOUFLAGE PANTS: It’s like we’re all soulmates
Dunkin Donuts: Sorry, we’re out of chocolate glazed.
Me: [about to lose it] No Mark, save this feeling. Use it for your art.
Only 2 more days till the day after tomorrow
These 3D printers are insane!
[makes eye contact with guy on bus]
Him: *opens flip phone*
Me: *pulls out cordless phone*
Him: …
Me: *stretches out metal antenna*
My doctor says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body helps prevent cellulite.
Apparently, you can’t do it in Starbucks.
And now the cops are here…..
Husband: We’re invited to a dinner party
Me: Did Agatha Christie teach us nothing??
For Sale: Washing machine. Active Wear cycle never used.
Husbands and wives who never fight,
How does your house get cleaned?
nobody:
stick in the park:
6 y/o me: I will take it home
*gets several new followers on Sunday
*adds Jesus to resume
Me: kid, you have no chill
5: I do, I just don’t use it
My son told me he had a loose tooth so I asked him which one and he said “Gary.” This little weirdo named each of his teeth!
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
No one has done the dishes for like a week so I finally did the responsible thing and bought some paper plates.
POPE: Let us all bow our heads and pray.
MICHELANGELO, from the back: Or maybe look at the ceiling.
*girl uploads photo*
her fake friends: 😩😍😍😍
Many people are surprised to hear I’m married because I scream it at them as I descend from their broken skylight in the dead of night.
Me (on a tinder date): you look nothing like your avi
Chameleon: hold on.
Jehovah’s Witnesses door-to-door success rate would be a lot higher if they partnered up with the Girl Scouts & started selling cookies …
I don’t care what anyone says, “catlike indifference” is a compliment.