They invented ceiling fans after a bunch of people got their legs cut off by floor fans.
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sorry for the inconvenience but the park will be closing for one hour because we accidentally made one of the dinosaurs too big
YOU CAN’T BE BOTH A NAZI AND A PROUD AMERICAN.
WE LITERALLY HAD A WAR ABOUT THIS.
THE WHOLE WORLD WAS INVOLVED.
Sunday
I just realized that I’m using a new phone that has never been dropped. How coo
Me: I’m feeling really good about my situation right now
The Universe: hold my beer
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
MORPHEUS: choose the red pill or the blue pill
NEO: which one turns into the coolest dinosaur
When we go back to in-person office meetings, I’m going to start out by soundlessly moving my lips until people yell at me, just for continuity.
My doctor had to put me on a new medication that’s supposed to help lower the amount of karate in my blood
I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.
Is Craigslist still around, or did everyone over there get murdered?
I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying
Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious
7yo son: May I have some water?
Me: What are the magic words?
7yo son: I can get it myself.
Me: There you go.
If I wasn’t supposed to drink alcohol with NyQuil, then why did it come with a shot glass?
[enter password]
*Correct*
[your password is incorrect]
Me: ahh that’s right
*incorrect*
Login Successful
In 1974 I helped a man called “Falcon” throw a heavy bag into the river.That nite on the news, I learned what it was: 300lbs of used condoms
on this day in 2001 my roommate picked up the phone and canceled at 93% my Napster download of Ms. Jackson by Outkast that had been going for 11 hours
*car isn’t exactly where I thought I parked it*
Someone stole my car.
I’m going out to dinner at a fancy restaurant tonight and my husband texted me the menu so I can “plan all my questions for the waiter in advance.”
At the store & asked for 50 condoms. 2 girls behind me started laughing. I turned around & looked them in the eyes and said, “Make it 52”
TRUMP: i’m the greatest man who ever lived
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE IDEA FOR THE TINY ONION VOLCANOS AT JAPANESE STEAKHOUSES: bitch please
I had no idea being an adult would involve so many lotions.
I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.
How does Super Mario contact his dead brother?
Using a Luigi board!
Thought my husband’s new soap was a block of cheese, and now I’m disappointed and he wants to know why it’s slightly chilled
My twins’ pre school taught them both how to sing Baby Shark in French so I’m just checking do I sue for double the amount or…
[back at work after being a stay-at-home parent for many years]
Me: alright, before this meeting starts, I want everyone to go pee. I don’t care if you don’t feel it, you need to try.
If you succeed at failing, do you fail or succeed?
Adult life is constantly saying to your friends let’s do something soon and suddenly 6 months have gone by
Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.