83% of white folks stressing about their court dates are referring to tennis.
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When the doctor told me I only had six months to live, I killed him violently with his own pencil.
Worked a treat.
Got me twenty years.
I apologise for the way I acted when you said the McRib was back and then told me you were kidding.
“Guess what!”
“What?”
“I went clubbing and did the Bus Driver last night!”
“Oh I love that dance move!”
“It’s a dance move?”
DUDE!
Why didn’t you make
better life choices?![Me to the cicada as it hits my car]
the embarrassment of competing in a rap battle and finding out your opponent is your doctor who does not care about hipaa violations
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
I don’t think AI should be used to make content…BUT…if there were a way for the paw patrol to tell my son by name that if he doesn’t go to bed they will arrest him…
to people who call it “supper” and not “dinner”: do you also have some crops to tend to? would you like me to go fetch you water from the well past the prairie? are the cold winter months coming? have you hunted for meat recently? is the bread ready? have you smelt the tears of
I’m not a chef but sometimes I use the word umami so people know I’ve seen some cooking shows.
instead of a movie based on a book, they should make a movie based on two books, like The Babysitters Fight Club
Vowels were invented by old men trying to take their socks off
Making spaghetti for dinner tonight, so I’ll only have enough for about 37 of you guys if you decide to come over… make your reservations quickly
Giraffes only sleep 2 hours a day.
If reincarnation is real, fingers crossed that I don’t come back as a giraffe.
If the interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years
Standing naked on top of a fire truck does not appear to be the correct answer
I open my wallet and an accordion of pictures fall out but they’re all of me holding loaves of bread like a fish I caught.
My mom didn’t respond to the family gardening group thread when I announced my monarch caterpillars so I called the landline, and it was so worth it. She used to have an “I brake for butterflies” bumper sticker. Definitely more excited than when I told her I was getting married
Grind me like corn, so I know it’s meal.
Her: Couldn’t you have picked a better record to beat?
Me: *covered in 13,000 bees* There’s no way this can end badly, Susan.
Women with horses are rich versions of cat ladies.
I’m just a regular guy going for a regular jog with a regular plasma TV being chased by the regular police.
I let a girl go through my phone recently so a colonoscopy really doesn’t scare me anymore
Dad, I’m dating this pillow. It’s called Melanie
“You could do better than this”
You know I’m not good with women
“I was talking to Melanie”
I don’t understand people with bare desks. My desk looks like a barfight started next door, crashed through my office, and kept on moving.
Imagine falling in love with someone and then finding out they say “worthwild”
*Tinkerbell sprinkling pixie dust*
Remember Peter, give me a call if it last longer than 4 hours.
I’ve finally convinced my parents to let me get their fruit & vege & my dad has now sent me this floor plan of the shop. Clearly I’m 44 & a total moron 🙂
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *pretending I’m asleep so he has to carry me up to my bed*
COP: Oh dang
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
Some of my co-workers want to go hang out tonight. Trying to figure how to fake my death and still make it into work tomorrow.
This Uber driver is the worst. I can’t roll down the windows, he keeps asking questions, the doors won’t open, and now his siren is blaring.