Just realized the little piggy that went to market was NOT just going shopping so I’mma need to shut it down for a day.
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My son’s kindergarten teacher wanted to chat with me today because my son told his class that his mom died… and came back to life!
Hey! With the intention of somehow making you pay later for cheekily stealing those fries from me
I don’t need a boyfriend so much as I need someone to remind me I’m baking cookies when I wander off to start something else
i asked my mom why she was crying and she said because shes choping onions which is sad becuase as a young child she was adopted by onions
If you find a stylist who can cut hair without talking, never let them go
EVERYONE! Single file into the ocean, please.
Ben Carson is my favorite candidate whose name sounds like a Transformer explaining to his kid why he hasn’t seen him much lately
Interviewer: u worked in sales before?
Me: yeah
Interviewer: what’s your background?
Me [gets phone out]: picture of my dog eating spaghetti
ME: and so I think morale would soar & sales would take off if the lunchroom had a Nintendo
BOSS: [from inside bathroom stall] can this wait
Friend: I’m not trying to butt heads with you, but…
Me: *dons helmet, tightens chin strap, braces for impact* BRING IT!
PILOT: sorry for the delay, everyone. we’ll make up some time in the air
[1 hr later]
PILOT: it is now 67:91 o’clock guys
*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!
Do you ever think of the ex you made a painful decision to leave and just hope in your heart of hearts that someone is annoying them worse than you ever could have?
Looking back at all the successes & failures in my life, I can’t help but be proud that at least the potty training thing stuck.
Why is it okay to eat grapes in a grocery store but as soon as I pop a bottle of champagne, I get kicked out??
So, if he gets divorced for the third time…
Does Melania get to keep the White House?
Once a marine, always a marine. Even if you’re now working at Subway. You’re a submarine.
Safety first
<- sleeps well with others
Her: Mommy, why does this peanut butter jar say “contains peanuts?”
Me: Because idiots, sweetheart.
[Installing ceiling fan]
Me: drill…screwdriver… tape…there finished!Wife on the phone: Is this Bob’s fix-it shop? Yeah, he just got done.
Why do people say “get well soon”?
Why don’t you want me to get well now?
I love rotting in bed. My vision board is just a picture of the grandparents in Willy Wonka
genie: [unloading my dishwasher] this is ridiculous
I couldn’t afford an engagement ring so I just poured a can of spaghettios on her hand
boss: i need u to reschedule our meeting to 10am
me: [reschedules meeting to 10am]
boss: [declines]
Cutting Crew: I just died in your arms tonight. Must’ve been something you said…
Me: *closing book of spells* Oh shit! Oh shit! Oh shit!
My wife just sent me a text ” I just bought you the best Christmas present! xox :)” …..I hope she misspelled Xbox
Of all the horrible ways to die I think healthy eating sounds the most painful.