*the force awakens*
*the dark knight rises*
*they make eye with eachother adn realize they were sleepig in the same bed*
AHHHHHHHHHHHH
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Chipotle server: Quackamole is extra
Me: lol, you said ‘quackamole’
Chipotle server [who is a duck]: Please don’t make fun of my quackcent
Good news! I got the new restraining order today. So if anyone needs a stalker I’m available. I have mad stalking skills plus references.
FRIEND: get our wedding invitation?
ME: i did, somebody hand wrote ‘do not bring pan flute’
F: yea i really wanted to make sure you saw that
5: Can you cut off the skin?
Me: What?
5: *holds up sandwich* the skin
M: The crust?
5: yeah
M: No, and you sound like a serial killer.
#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.
You haven’t truly witnessed humanity at its worst until you’ve visited an all-you-can-eat buffet with crab legs on it.
My daughter has been asking for more independence lately so this morning I took her out for breakfast and asked for separate checks.
If you’re intermittent fasting and only eating one meal a day, that meal can be cake, right?
Sooo romantic. He said I’m a work of art.
Or a piece of work. Something like that.
So many chores, so many kids to do them for me
I know a guy who doesn’t love Raymond.
One time I was really high and attempted to flush my foot down the toilet. There was no Twitter then, so I’m telling you now.
If you watch Titanic backwards, you are an idiot. That is not the way movies are meant to be watched.
ME: *sees my shadow* holy shit i’m a groundhog
I hate it when computer games force you to make lots of difficult choices. My choices are why I’m 34 years old and playing computer games on a Monday. Clearly choices aren’t my strong point.
*after sex, in a British accent
“Please sir, may I have some more?”
Her: I’m not wearing underwear
Me: good thing I brought extra
[Calls boss]
I won’t be in today
“Why not?”
[camera pans out to a raccoon wearing sunglasses driving away in my car]
I’ve got the shits.
Me: *trying to fill the void with food and booze*
Fellow Astronaut: THAT WAS 12 YEARS WORTH OF SUPPLIES!
Awkward silences? No problem. Just start beatboxing. Does it make things any less awkward? Absolutely not. But it eliminates the silence. Now it’s just awkward beatboxing. You’re welcome.
I really admire my daughter’s restraint. When we were reunited after a week apart she waited 5 whole minutes before asking what I brought her
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one at auction today.
I’ve had him about an hour now.
Anyway….. Monkey for Sale.
Him: Don’t you think that’s enough Bailey’s in your coffee?
Me: I’m in morning
At least broken people are interesting. You can’t fix boring.
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
Me: You touched my heart.
Cardiologist: You’re not supposed to be awake, but thanks. LOL
*stares at bottel of sleepin pills* when wil they wakE UP
Him: I got in a fender bender, coming out of the grocery store.
Me: Everything’s intact?
Him: I’m fi…
Me: Chips, cookies, stuff like that?
Remember when everyone was tweeting about how bad 2019 was and we couldn’t wait until it was over?
2019: “How you like me now?”
For all the people who doubted me:
You were right