when food packaging says “store in a cool, dry place” like ah i guess the mossy cave is out then
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furnishing my new place and can’t pick what dining table or chairs I want. All I know is that my nachosaurus is on the way and needs somewhere to stand.
Many people told me I would benefit exposing myself to art.
*94K tweets later* I’m really a very private person
Not going to any more weddings or funerals. Please keep that in mind, friends who are considering getting married or dying.
My kid asked me for a boomerang so I handed him the apple that has gone back and forth in his lunch for the past week
i couldn’t figure out why i’ve had a headache all day until I heard 8 and 6 arguing about who remembered more about the emoji movie.
a deranged scientist in every rickety old house on top of every hill on the outskirts of every town. that’s my promise, should i be elected
[God making spaghetti]
ANGEL: Did you accidentally drop a lasagna in the paper shredder?
GOD: [taking bong rip] Bold of you to assume it was an accident.
The wife says she’s at the end of her rope, I guess I’ll put rope on my shopping list.
[interview at bank]
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I’ve been told I’m a terrible bank robber
Interviewer: what
Me: *looking at fish tank* so is that the safe?
Maybe dogs are smarter than us because they found a way to get fed and housed without having to go to college and get a job
4: Water!
Me: Ask me nicely
4: Actually, I’ll get it myself
Soooo, if the string breaks off…do you just make yourself sneeze so that it shoots out?
Female cashier: [stares at me]
*rings up tampons*
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
My 6 yr old lost a tooth and then finger quoted “tooth fairy” so I just handed him $5 and told him to do whatever he wanted with the tooth
ME: ooooh can I lick the beater?
HEART SURGEON: please stop calling it that
Instructor: Welcome to our Summer with Kids Preparedness class. Our first lesson is how to apply sunscreen. Everyone grab an angry raccoon.
JK ROWLING: dumbledore and grindelwald had sex
ME: lol
JK ROWLING: so did you and dobby
ME: what
JK ROWLING: you will never feel love like that again
ME: stop
ME [as a kid]: someday, I can go buy beer legally
ME [now]: i just wanna buy marshmallows
My cat has Peta on speed dial in case the day should ever come when his pillows aren’t properly fluffed or his filtered water grows tepid.
Oh, you’re an early riser?
Yes.
Have kids?
No.
A farm?
No.
Insomnia?
No.
Medical condition?
No.
Psycho.
[Movie Theater]
ME: I’ll take a medium popcorn.CASHIER: For just $2 more you can get it in a tub so big no human could actually finish it.
ME: No thanks.
CASHIER: It comes with free refills.
ME: I do like free refills…
Me: Congrats! I heard you got married again
Her: Sorry I didn’t invite you. It was a small ceremony
Me: Its ok. I’ll go to your next one
Hubs: If you could sleep with…
Me: THOR!!!
Hubs: …the fan off tonight, that’d be great.
Me: Ohhhh…
“Doctor, I’m afraid of people yelling letters of the alphabet at me.”
THERAPIST: Oh! You are? WHY???
Good Cop: Book ’em.
Illiterate Cop: I’ll just wait for the movie.
Gaslighting one person isn’t enough. I’m scheduling a town hall meeting.
I don’t often find an occasion to work the word “repugnant” into casual conversation, but you’ve inspired me.
Shout out to the KFC drive-thru attendant who offered me “enough ranch to drown a small child”