G: Grandma (completely safe watch with grandma)
PG: Partial Grandma (slightly awkward)
PG13: 13 or more cusses (very awkward)
R: NO grandmas
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I’m about to lose 20 pounds.
*Releases the weight of everyone’s expectations off my shoulders.
You think cannonballs scream ‘humans’ right before they land in water
What I thought I’d want my kids to learn: kindness, compassion, empathy
What I actually want them to learn: to flush the toilet and turn off a goddamn light
AOL was hacked yesterday so watch out for spam email that looks like it came from 1995.
I guess what I’m trying to say is that 4 glasses of wine makes it exponentially more difficult to get out of the bathtub.
that de-escalated quickly
Batman: Life isn’t a video game. Your actions have consequences
*Robin writes ‘I’m sorry I forgot to buy Charmin®’ 100 times on Batpaper*
Sure, there are plenty of fish in the sea, but they won’t have sex with you either.
Other women: Nothing is sexier than a dad holding a baby.
Me: Nothing is sexier than my husband using his thundering dad-voice to frighten our children into behaving when I’ve abandoned all hope.
He won’t let me complain to the neighbors, so I renamed the WiFi to ‘SHUT YOUR DOG UP, DICKS’
when santa breaks into homes to take food it’s festive but when i do it it’s a crime??
doctor: i have the results of your cholesterol test
me: did i pass? haha
doctor: no but you will very soon
Dear everyone THE PEEPS ARE MY BABIES please do not eat them. Take them home. Give them warmth and comfort. Allow them to nest beside your TV. Give them your passwords so they can log on to the dark web and order books about witchcraft to summon Cthulhu. Let them swim in the sink
Day 18 of lock down. Filled the dog with helium.
The Earth gets a day, Sharks get a week. That sounds about right.
today my sister said “I thought of you because I saw the stupidest tweet. just the dumbest freaking tweet” this went on for ten minutes
Sorry you saw that piece of corn but I tried flushing five times and it just wouldn’t go down.
Quick question guys. Why is my therapist putting on boxing gloves?
Me: Who drank all my beer?
Wife: Who do you think? I’m pregnant and both kids are under the age of four.
Me: So is that a confession?
one time I bought a cd and i thought the guy was going to say ‘have a good night’ but he said ‘do you have a favourite band’ and I said ‘you too’ and then I had to stand and pretend to know about Bono for five minutes while holding a Shania twain album I bought for my mom
This is the scale that I will be using for everything from now on.
“Dad, how’d you get that scar on your forehead?”
[flashback to roller skating into a street pole while taking a Polaroid selfie]
‘Nam…
A little boy at the park ran away from my twins and promptly told his mom, “they scare me cause there’s two of them!!” Same, buddy, same.
On the list of things I’ve learned today:
1. You’re not allowed to walk a police dog
2. Pepper spray recovery time is 37 minutes
Did you hear about the latest James Bond movie where he procrastinates about coloring his hair?
It’s called Dye Another Day
When they said “History repeats itself,” I wasn’t expecting all of the twentieth century in two years.
Jurassic Park 7: Nothing goes wrong and everyone just genuinely enjoys the company of the dinosaurs
Why am I getting ads for things that cost $495? I have never bought anything ever that costs $495
The face palm is the only houseplant you can’t kill
“I can’t wait to nail you later”
*whispers to the new picture I just bought*